Judy asked to have a bit of our history and my turned into a book so I'm putting it here.
I'm not sure about posting my history, but here goes. As a child I loved to draw, In high school art was of course my favorite class. In 1972 I started a community college with my major being art. I had very little support in this. I think that my Mother thought community college was a safe place for me to be until I got married. For her generation of thinking a woman got married for safty, support and stability and having a daughter to want to go to college, burn bras, march in protests, be sexually active or worse join the military ( which I tried to do). She said more than once that a "LADY" could be a teacher, nurse or secetary and since I wasn't smart enough to be a teacher or nurse and I flunked typing, marriage and motherhood was the only choice. I know in this day in age it's hard to imagine, but 1972 wasn't so far out of the depression and post war days and the "Old South" where women had certain roles. So after only 2 quarters of college I gave into the pressure, dropped out of school and aggred to marry my boyfriend.
I only made my new husband promise one thing, that I would be able to go back to school. He wasn't supportive in my artist endevers. I had to hide my sketch books and only draw while he was at work. He once gave me an oil paint set, but having a 1 year old running around all day, I couldn't use it when he was up, so I tried to use it when he went down to bed, only to be yelled at for trying to paint at night. So I put that away and didn't pick up a brush for over a decade. During this time my aunt died and her husband gave me all of her boxes and boxes of quilting fabric and half finished quilts and my mother-in-law gave me her 1944 singer sewing machine and I was intruduced to quilting. we were so broke, I took used typing paper and a ruler and make my own grapf paper and drew out quilt patterns. Only thing was none of my husband's friends wives quilted, he wanted me to do cross stitch like they did. So again I had to do my sewing after he went to sleep or during the kids nap time during the day. His aunts loved that I quilted and I spent a lot of happy times looking at all of their quiltd dating back to the 1800's. I made a baby quilt for one of his buddy's wife's baby shower and his friend couldn't stop talking about how much they loved that quilt and how much it meant to them and the design and quality of the work, so after that I was allowed to make quilts in the open but still had to keep the drawing in the closet.
I did manage to take a painting class and a drawing class through a community college adult education class.
I then taught myself cake decorating and finally got a job outside of the house as a cake decorater. After a few years of that I made my move to go back to school. I wanted to study accounting. ( thought it would allow me to make enough to get a divorce). I applied and was accepted and drove to the school to meet with a counsolor and could't make it in the door. I cried all the way home. I was too nervous, shy, asham of being fat and old. The next quarter I made it, and a new world open up to me. I did good in my classes. Turned out I wasn't a dumb as I was told, just had a learning disability and once I learned how to work around that I felt like I was flying. I really did well in math and thought about changing to Drafting. One quarter I wanted to take the beginning drawing class just to show my self that I wasn't any good. And the rest is history. I fell in love with the class. The teacher treated me like I was talanted and smart. I ended up on the dean's list every quarter I was there. When I would take finished paintings in for grading I had teachers following to ask to buy them. The school bought 3 of my works. One was a quilt, one was an oil painting and one was a color pencil piece.
I then went to a State University in Atlanta and did well there. I learned a lot but ended up getting a divorce and had to stop classes to get a job. My daughter and I moved and I was lucky enough to get a job as a graphic artist. Then my daughter started using drugs and everything artistic just froze up. I tried taking a weaving class and loved that and wanted to go in that directions but the college dropped that major to make room for graphic design. I had just enough in Alimony to cover college expenses, just long enough to finish, but I ended up using that money for my daughter's rehab.
It was a long journy for my daughter to get clean for most of the time I was frozen and couldn't really let go enough to do what I wanted. But now things have shifted inside of me. I'm interested to see what comes from this.
Clayton College Associated Degree/Art(Painting)
Georgia State Univeristy Junior Year
I can't beleive I missed chat tonight.My roommate and I rode the METRO to Union Station, ate dinner and rode the METRO back. We felt like we excaped for a while. Today was a hard day, due mainly to the fact my veins keep collapsing. But in the afternoon the doc under the head doc, came by and said that Dr. S thinks I might possible have hyperaldosteronism. She said that the first tests for aldosterone were some what high and with my high BP and and the low postiasumm level all points to this. I really llike the doctor in charge and the one under him. She came and talked to me this afternoon and I was putting in front of her all the arguments the doctors in Atlanta gave me against low potissam and the high BP meaning anything and she gave back to me all the arguments that I've been giving the Atlanta Docs. I feel so much better, I went to the activity room to give a prayer of thanks and ended up crying my eyes out. I still have another week of testing. I'm beginning to miss my home and my cats.My son home made it through Dennis this time, but sitll is facing major repair from the storm Cindy. My sister is still going down hill. When I call her she doesn't recongize who she talking to, but the skin infection is clearing up. I pray that she goes peaceful. Well to bed and another day of fun and games tomorrow.
Well in less than 24 hours I'll be in the DC area, that is if Hurricane Dennis don't interfer. I'm nervous, but also excited. Not sure what to expect, Mary O helped a lot calming me down. I pray they find some answers. When tropical storm Cindy stormed through the area this week, my son had some major damage to his house, now my daughter is in Tampa, and Dennis is the first big storm that has hit Florida since shemoved there, at least she only on the edge of this one. My sister is now batteling something called Cellulitis. She is now taking pain meds, so she is mostly out of it.
Well it's next sunday the 10th that I head to NIH. I'm getting nervous. I wish I knew what to expect. I know to check in then it's a total mystery of what to expect. I need to start making a list of the lists of things I need to do. I was standing in line at the supermarket this evening and it hit me, this time next week I'll be at NIH. This is really not what I had in mind for a vacation this year, but I'm still excited about going. There's the fear that they will tell me that there's nothing wrong with me, that it's all in my head, to go home, lose weight and go on anti-depressents. like the other doctors, and I will still be sick and alone with no hope of ever being better. My sister says she's not going to die before I get back. I told her she better not or when I got to the other side she would pay. Things you can only say to a sibling. I'm so thankful that my Mother kept trying to have a son, other wise not only would I not be here but I wouldn't have 3 older sisters, who are inspite of being bossy, are still a major blessing.
Sorry about the title. I'm 50 years old and been on the dating scene for 10 years now. I still can't figure it out. I"m sitting here at my computer bemoaning my situation, and on the other hand shaking my head at my reaction. There's a lot of background to this story. In the beginning I was a skinny, shy 14 year old in a new school. John was a shy, geeky looking 14 year old new to the school also. We became friends, but he ran with a wild crowd and I was with the good girls group. His family left after that school year. I really missed him, but life went on. I finished school, got married at 18, had kids, divorced when I was 40. He had his own life also. Last spring I got an email on classmates.com that there was a message for me. It was this guy, wanting to catch up after all these years. We exchanged emails, several a day. When he came to Atlanta we went to dinner, we went to a reunion together. But mostly just emails. He wrote me today that he's going to ask a woman that he's been seeing to marry him. I know there wasn't any future with him, I could not see one in any way, but still it hurts. I was still attractived to him. At times like this I wonder if I was still skinny would it have made any difference. What if I had't put on over 100 lbs. But if I keep thinking like that I could say "what if aliens abducted my neighbor?" the truth is there was major differences in the two of us and even if I was skinny, nothing never would have came of it. My choice. But still, JUST DANG! to be told in an email?
Well, I made it through another week. My children are healthy, I'm still employed, and my cats love me. I'm afraid, it seems that I live in constant fear. I'm afraid of not paying my bills, I'm afraid of losing my house. I'm afraid I'll die alone. I'm afraid my friends will discover that I'm not worthy and leave me. I'm afraid that my sisters will disown me. About losing the house I know when that started. Last summer, one Sunday morning I was sitting at the computer, online, watching the cat watch Animal Planet, the AC was going. I thought "I have a good life" A decent condo, the AC is working. Then I thought "What if I lose it? Why do I deserve this?" Ever since then I've been waking up sweating thinking those thoughts. I was only able to work 4 days this last week. On Tuesday I was in constant pain from the rectocele. that is what most of my pain is from. On Wednesday I just couldn't go through that again so I stayed home, still in pain but at least I could lay down. The pain and discomfort from the rectocele and my hips and lower abdomen is what bothers me most. Most of the day at work is spent being uncomfortable. When I first stand up I have trouble walking, my upper inner thighs hurts, the bottom of my feet. The hip/upper legs problem was helped a whole lot by having the health and safety woman at work order me a decent chair, but I still have problems. Just sitting all day is uncomfortable. I go out to my car on breaks and lay down. Not very pleasant laying in a hot car in the Georgia heat and humidity. I don't know if this is from cushings, or not. I just know I can't go on like this. So this feeds into my fear of losing my home. If I'm on disability through my work I'll only get 70% of my pay. So I have a roommate moving in this weekend. I don't want another person in my home, but I'm afraid that I'll need the money. 2 weeks 1 day until I go to NIH. My sister is going down so fast I'm afraid that she'll pass away while I'm gone. I have 3 older sisters (no brothers). The next to the oldest is dying from cancer. She asked all of us to get together today for dinner. I know it's to tell us good bye. This scares me. My mother waited until I and the sister 1 year older than me to leave the hospital to die. She didn't want us there when she went. My dad on the other hand, held on until all 4 of us were by his bedside to go. He wanted his girls there. I'm afraid that my sister will tell us good by and go home and try to leave alone. Well, need to get to bed, have to clean the carpet in the spare room and clean out the closet for the roomie tomorrow.
I had a really hard day today, most of it in pain. My back, hip, stomach, ribsand my feet. I just took the day one hour at a time. If I could make it through an hour. I promised myself that just one more hour and then I would go home. Made it through 6 hours today doing that. When my supervisor came through and said anyone who wanted to go could, I was the first one out the door. What a way to end the week. Monday through Thursday was pretty good so I shouldn't complain. Springsteen is coming to Atlanta. His show is on July 23, I get back late from NIH on the 22. I don't think I would be able to make it on the train to go downtown and stand in line to get in, and then stand for the concert. I can't even sweep the kitchen without taking a break. This will be the first Boss' concert that I've missed since the "Born in the USA" tour. My sister had another seizure last night. Her time is getting closer. It kills me to see her suffering like she is.
Darn! Darn,! Darn! I just spent 20 minutes typing and accidently wiped it out. Now I have to start over again. It's Monday and I'm at work, there is no work in-house today and I'm boOOooored. I have already looked at all my surf sites, even my favorite cat sites. MeanKitty.com and MyCatHatesyou.com. If you appreciate the feline superiority you should check these out. Another thing to do at work when you are bored is go to Goggle, type in someone's address and go to google's map and look at the address in their satellite view. Not very exciting but something to make the time pass. My daughter called last night, and talked and talked. I know she's lonely there in Tampa when all her family and friends are here in Atlanta. There were 2 music festivals in Atlanta this past weekend. She has a boyfriend who sings in a group and it seems that her boyfriend's groups is doing pretty good. The sang for one of the music fest, in the Georgia Dome on Saturday. I know she would have loved to been there. I have a 16 year old cat, this morning I looked at her and realized just how fragile she seems. She has been such a special friend through the years. Pets, they add so much to our lives. Last week I started keeping a log, every day, about my various aches and pain and general discomfort. Giving them a rating of 1 to 10. With 1 being "feeling like dancing" and 10 being "shoot Me, put me out of my misery!" After a day is over I tend to forget how I felt, this way I can show the doctor just how every day is and not just a general "I feel like P##p". I read on people's posting about all the tests they have had and I realize just how sub-standard my care has been. The first endo did one UCF and didn't even examine me, the 2nd at least did the salivary tests, which came back high but discounted them as a fluke. That's IT! That was all the testing until I found my 3rd doctor. She was about to start on some very intense testing when I was accepted to NIH.
Here it is another sunday and I'm just laying around. I have so much to do, but no energy to get up and do them. I went out to dinner and to a BBW social event last night with a girl friend L. It was fun, but she had made plans to meet with a man, so I was on my own once he showed up, but got to see some old friends. I did go see my sister, she slept most of the time and I talked to my brother-in-law for most of the visit. When she first got sick I asked why her, she of anyone I know just don't deserve this. We don't know the answers, maybe when we meet up again on the other side the answer will be shown to us. There is really not much to say, just trust and pray that there is minium pain and the end will be peaceful. I wonder if my inabilty to do anything, and the pain is a result of depression or if the depression is a result of not doing anything. Both are getting worse. I've been trying to vacumn and mop the downstairs for 2 weeks, and just can't get it done. It takes me a day to do laundry and another day to get it all upstairs. A day to unload the dishwasher. I used to work 2 jobs, cook and clean every day, swim laps and clean the pool, read and do my art in my spare time. Now I work 1 job, grab take out or microwave a healthy choice, and go to bed. I'm tired of this. The cats are on the porch enjoying the sunshine, think I'll go out and sketch them.
I'm stilling learning about this blog. I looked and looked last night, but for the life of me couldn't figure out how to add an entry. Then this morning I opened "My Blog" and there it was the "add entry" button. I wake up with a dark thunder cloud over me, I'm depressed and I'm sure that my world is about to end. NOW! Today I'm thinking "What IF!" and I'm going to end up a street person. I read somewhere that many, many people with an adrenal tumor, even without overt/sub-clinical cushing have anxiety, that disappear once the tumor is removed. Every day it's a struggle to make it through work. I have abdominal pain, and just try to make it through the next hour, then try the next hour. As you can imagine, the quality of my work is going down. Just 4 weeks to NIH. I have a sister who's terminal with lung cancer. Never smoked a day in her life and wouldn't allow it in her hours. I struggle with her. In my perspective she doesn't like me or approve or my life. I'm divorce and ever since then for religious reasons there's been a space between us. We live 26 miles apart. In the 1 1/2 years since she was dnx. I have called her to say I'm coming to see her, or just dropping by only when I get there she would be gone. This has happened time and time again. Sometimes I think she truly forgets that I've called, but other times I think it's deliberate. I don't know. So I'm going to try again today. I feel like I should take some gift of food but don't have the engery to whip something up. Well, time to go.