It's been a bit of a rollercoaster the past few months...getting to grips with juggling everything and the prospect of facing more testing. Work has been great and I am working with a very supportive group of people who have become good friends and have brought some much needed laughter and light relief back into my life. Despite still having loss of vision in my left eye and not feeling 100% I have managed to do the work and got a good appraisal.

I was a bit shocked when I was told my cortisol was 600 plus after the news that I was heading for a cure back in May and all seemed to be looking good. My menstrual cycle even started up for a month after years of nothing happening...but that was short-lived and everything went pear shaped...not sure why...I had a few stress outbursts and felt like I had an episode of the pituitary appoplexy again but after getting in touch with my Endo, he sent me for an emergency MRI which showed no change...so odd...I then did a 3-day Dex test and 2 x 24hr UFC's and am now waiting for the results. Its baffling them and for me that is unsettling as I just want to know what is happening. For several years I have gone through this, "Well it could be this, it could be that" routine without any real certainty and I am just tired of it all now. I have remained so positive for so long but it is now wearing me down. For a short while I had a brief taste of some sort of normality. Now my weight has pushed its way up again - I had lost 26lbs but have now put all but 5 lbs back on, I am breathless, I am 35 and feel so much older and I am representing so many familiar symptoms. My diabetes is still under control which adds to the confusion of it all.

Emotionally, I seem to be stronger though - less tears this time, just a feeling of frustration and of been there, done it - just want to get on with my life but having to come to grips with the testing and waiting game again is annoying. In the meantime, my family is in limbo with me and you can go through so much and then the strain starts showing and that's something else we need to deal with on top of everything plus worrying that work may lose their patience, although they have been fab so far, you can only have so much time off and I have only been there 7 months. I used to work there years ago and they are a stable company with good benefits and felxibility - not something I want to lose as its stability that gives some balance to my life right now - and most of all is helping to pay the bills. It also gives me a sense of self-worth and for a long time when I was ill I lost that and felt I was just good enough for shelf stacking and not much else despite the great career I had prior to Cushings. My self-esteem plummetted and my pride was all but shot. I lost everything and felt like I was nothing. To be back in a position that gives me the autonomy to be myself again has ben a blessing and a fresh start - If Cushings enters my life again I don;t know what I will do...