SleepyTimeTea

I have accomplished nothing much. I hadn't kept up on this forum and should have done a lot more. I now know I weigh more than a whopping 440 lbs because I couldn't even weigh on this one scale my friend just bought for herself. I need to find out if this is some kind of medical condition caused by something abnormal or if this is weight I can lose and have just gained and gained easily over the years. It is going to be even harder now. I am following weight watchers and will start swimming this week, but aside from that the medical testing will have to start all over again because I hardly got a start on it in the first place. I can only pray to God to give me strength and patience. In the end, I believe all will work out. God bless.

I have no idea what I am doing here, but thought I would at least say hello. Last year I went bananas before Christmas from my OCD which I hate with a passion. I never did find out what was wrong because I never followed up on tests. I just turned 33 this past August. I cannot believe it had already been almost a year or so since I had been on here posting. Maybe this next year will be more fruitful. I can always hope.

Dear self, Today has been filled with some moments of happiness. Despite all my struggles I am still alive and kicking here. I am lonely. That is always the hardest part. Yes, I am blessed to have hubby, but I am still lonely. I miss my best friend Mikki. But, I have no idea where she went. My other friend, well she obviously does not want to be friends with me anymore because I am too fat, or because she changed religions, or who knows what. Oh well, such is life. I miss Mikki most of all. Here I am, stuck here almost every day and it gets so old. I thank God for the internet and being able to write because if not I would be more than half insane by now. Tomorrow my mom is having her third surgery on her sinuses. This time she has an infection that is completely fungal. I am hoping and praying to God that this will go away. I am going with her this time. She is picking me up tomorrow, and then we are getting my Dad from work and going straight to Beaumont. God be with us please so this goes well. I am scared and worried about my mom, more than I am about my own health. I feel paralyzed in life by all that is going on, yet I still am here. I think I have lost a total of 10 lbs, but it is hard to say with a dial scale that I have that only goes up to 300lbs. But I can generally tell it is going down if nothing else even if the actual weight is not accurage. Goodbye for now... michelle

I have a sink full of dishes. I managed to sweep the floor today. But I have felt too weak and down to do much else. Scooped out the cat box and hubby dumped that out in the dumpster. I have been feeling stranger by the minute lol. I dunno anymore how to describe how I feel, except it is hard sometimes. I am not terribly depressed today, just don't feel up to much. I have been a little lonely and wondering what has happened to a couple of my overseas pen pals from online. My one friend/email pen pal is in the UAE and she is an intern at a hospital. She had bene going through some rough stuff lately and I am hoping she is ok. My other friend/email pen pal is going through a breakup and is going through too much as well. I don't even know why I am babbling. Aside from that, I am doing really well following my weight watchers points. I didn't get all of them in yesterday though, and we need more fruits in the house since we have run out.

Who after so many years of being heavy tried many ways to lose weight including things that people only assume that really skinny people do. She had ups and downs and some successes only to fail and fail again. She thought about trying to starve herself and even had fasted here and there. Now she sits today trying once again to gain control because she really doesn't know if she will be able to lose weight even by eating healthy...but it is possible. So she is trying to maintain a healthy balance instead of self destructive behaviour... Some day...this woman would like to be healthy and at a healthy weight...like once upon a time...

YEAH! I went to bed before 4 am... It is a miracle and I was up at 8 am. I would have slept in longer but our cats are too noisty. Maybe I am finally getting somewhere with getting back on a somewhat "normal schedule". I am still tired yes, but at least I am up with the sun and not going to bed with it. I may just have to start taking a small nap mid day to help with the crazy fatigue. Not much planned today, just gonna spend some time with hubby

Thank God it is Friday...my hubby said that too this morning as he took off on the bike to go to work. We both are just hoping to spend some time together, without excess baloney and exhaustion. I am still trying to normalize my sleeping schedule. Got sick a bit yesterday afternoon with the room spinning and fatigue hitting me like a ton of bricks...even before I had to take some benadryl. Needless to say that messed me up still. I am going to try to sleep just a little while this morning and wait up till the evening. I have got to get this straightened out. Made hubby breakfast to eat here, and lunch to take to work. I am going to try to start making sure I do this every day he goes to work...at least his lunch. Mom might come by today so I can give her a little money cuz she is broke broke broke. It is so hard the economy here in this state. I am trying to be positive and believe that her surgery this time will work for her infection. I am also working on being positive that this appointment next week will be productive, and I will get results. I am trying to keep the negative thoughts pushed away, and when they come I think them out or write them down. It is really all I can do for now...

Yeah, nothing much going on here. But, I am hoping to be able to at least get the dishes cleaned up since I am not so weak and sore today oh and make a decent supper for us. The weather is nice, and it is quiet here. At least it makes for a peaceful day.

I learned from my mother yesterday that my brother found some nephrologist at one of the bigger hospitals around here that may have been actually decent. Considering the luck and lack of help I have had from the one I just saw, and the one I had before...it figures. THIS nephrologist supposedly told my brother that he/she though my brother had CUSHINGS! because of a buffalo hump and other symptoms. According to my mother, my brother does not believe he could have Cushings. THERE is something wrong with my poor brother. Despite his and mine inability to get along most ouf our lives, he has a lot in common with more...more than anyone in my family...including the girth. I really hope for his sake he can find out what the heck is going on. If he ends up liking this nephrologist, maybe I will go see them. First, I have to get to the endo.

SELF DOUBT And reasoning Are incompatible in my life Irrational fears are rational now For loss has been at every turn I survive... That is all I do For my basic needs are almost met But never completely met I survive I keep hanging on to the thread Somewhere in my heart Somewhere in my dreams There is a beautiful tree in a meadow That I long to hold on to I long to reach out for But it is not tangible The green leaves turning up toward the sun By a river This tree is never thirsty, never hungry, never lonely Even though it stands alone It never experiences self-doubt The picture is oh so dim It still lingers Balm or hinderance I cannot decide For my beleaguered, weary soul.

Thank you Lydia, even though it is not my b day anymore. I welcome your wishes for a better year with much progress. HUGS

Some days, I just don't think I can keep goin on like this. And there are some other things so completely out of my control that are affecting my health too, and I want to toss them out the window. ENOUGH SAID

I am going to be 32 on Thursday. I will be saying some extra prayers for Gracie before and on the day she has surgery. I could care less about my birthday...another day older and a dollar short. So, I hope and pray it will be a new day for Gracie and that would be the best thing. Today, I am a bit slow. Feeling apprehensive and a bit irritable. I just haven't been sleeping normally and it is tiring.

Yep, Here I am wide awake. I have a headache again and why could that be...perhaps because I have cut way down on the magnesium. It keeps the headache and neckache in check. I slept a lot though the last few days because I think I am worn out. I am up for now though and managed to finally get all the dishes washed and made supper last night. Hubby really liked it. I will have to do a few more that we had from dinner. You would not think that something so simple could be such a pain. I want to see the doctor this week, but I do not know how I am going to get there. My mom can probably take me Friday to the Nephrologist, but I need to get into my PCP and we just don't have the money really. I hope the temp job hubby was at calls him back this week. God, I can only pray. I want to feel better soon so I can do something with my life. JEEZ On a positive note, I am going to spend some time reading my Bible which I have not done in awhile.