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LyssaFace

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About LyssaFace

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    Long-time Board Member

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    Female
  1. Tested. Tests came back "normal". At The Mayo Clinic. ... Is it right? Only things that showed is that I have a vitamin D deficiency & he thinks I have cysts on my ovaries. :/ I'm only seventeen. I can't fight my parents to pay tons of money to see more doctors. I give up. -Lyssa
  2. So, Thursday I had retainers put into all my ear piercings that I wouldn't be capable of doing myself. Ow. Ow. & ow. It was worse than getting them pierced & I've had most of them like a year or more now. :/ So they're all healed. ***ing bullshit. I just want my regular metal junk back in & I'll be all good. Plastic SUCKS ass. I went to see Twilight on Friday & I saw it again on Saturday. Today I'm gonna try to sleep most of the day since we leave around 1:00am Monday morning (late Sunday night, basically. ) to go to The mayo. Wish my cranky ass luck. -Lyssa
  3. Woke up, still wanted more sleep. Typical? Quite. Stretch a little bit, and BAM. Leg cramp. Get up fast, pain pain pain & more pain. Finally it stops and I LIMP my way to the bathroom as quick as possible because while trying to stand on it to make the pain stop I happened to feel my nose and realize my nose piercing wasn't there. REWIND: Last night I took out my regular nose piercing, a stud with a ball on the end and stuck a screw in it instead so it's easier to get in and out Monday when I have to put the retainer in it. Back to the story. I get another one and slid it in, luckily with little to no problem. I'm still slightly calm at this point even though the nose stud I lost was a cute green gem one. And anyway, I go back to my room. I'm about to lay down when once again, I just so happen to touch my face. Top ball from my eyebrow ring that I've had in since sophmore year? GONE. Oh great, my favorite and only black eyebrow barbell only has one black ball now. So I once again go to the bathroom and I put a silver ball on it. Now it looks ***ing retarded. God, I hate my life. I need to get to extreme body FX asap for those retainers & for a new black ball. -Lyssa
  4. I decided to hang out with one of my friends today for the first time in a little over a week. I just was getting to the point where sitting at home instead of helping was making things worse. I was feeling icky because everyday I would shower & then not do my hair or makeup and just sit around and sulk. Hopefully tonight I cheer up a little bit. -Lyssa
  5. Hasn't been much to say for the last few days other than that my moods have been all over the place & I've felt pretty crumby. I'll update later if anything of importance occurs. P.S. Might have a date this week. -Lyssa
  6. LyssaFace

    Seesaw

    I feel okay today, I'm still very achy & tired but other than that I seem to not be too down today... Scratch that. I don't feel down until I think about stuff. ... Now I'm down. Wow that didn't happen fast at all. God, I need to get help. -Lyssa
  7. This is a post I made on the forum & I thought I should add it to my blog. I know I can be long winded, sorry. I was reading a thread on here where phil1088 was talking about how she doesn't remember what 'normal' feels like. It really got me thinking. I always assumed I was normal. Aside from my weight problem I felt fairly normal. I knew I had some problems with anxiety and depression and the littlest things could make me snap and start yelling at my mom, or dad and others as well. But I always assumed that most people had some problems like this and that it was normal to have them. I thought it was just the way I was, not that they could be mental problems. Never did I think that these could be symptoms for a disease that fits me almost to a perfect T. Now I sit here questioning what 'normal' really is. Is anyone really normal? Doesn't everyone have their fair share of problems weather its one little thing or a few big things? Or are there those fairy-tail perfect people? The people that just go through one down in their life and then are back to normal forever? Is there really such thing as the perfect person? A normal person? Some days I feel like I'm completely insane, like I think too much, talk too little, yell too much, and cry more than anyone I know. It's like my emotions all hang from this little string and the smallest fuzzy floating through the air can set them off. Some days are worse than others. Some days I just want to sleep all day, or drink all night and occasionally I like to smoke myself into a haze of confusion. Stoned stupid, as they say. Some days it's better to just lay in bed and dream. In my dreams I can be desirable by guys, I can be loved and seduced.To be taken by a guy rather than having to seduce them. Not that I have to seduce guys often anyway. God knows I've only been with one guy. Sure I've made out with a few but never all the way with more than him. And the bastard still holds my heart. Maybe it's a symptom too. Maybe when I get fixed I'll feel whole again. I don't know. We started seeing each other September 6th 2007. We met online prior to that through a online video series called LonelyGirl15 staring Jessica Lee Rose whom later played a role in the TV series Greek & stared as one of Lindsey Lohan's friends in "I Know Who Killed Me." I was currently seeing a guy here two weeks or so prior to when we started falling for each other. Normally I'm not the type to waste my time but I thought I might as well give this guy a chance because A. he was here & liked me and B. He might be nice. I couldn't seem to get attracted to him physically or mentally. His personality made things worse, so I ended things and started a long distance relationship with the new guy on the same day. We continued our relationship, talking on the phone with International calling cards, chatting on MSN with mics & web cams & IMing each other daily. In early November I was with a friend at another friend's house and a guy there was all over me. I felt bad because I knew I was in love with Jo but I couldn't seem to get him to stop, and being drugged up on inhaling duster did not help. We briefly made out, it was more of him forcing himself on me before I managed to squirm away. I went home that night, migraine to the extreme, according to my friend it makes your brain bleed. I wasn't a happy camper that she didn't tell me BEFORE I tried it. But none the less, I sat down at the computer and confessed all that had happened to Jo. He was more angry about me huffing something rather than what happened with the guy and made me promise I wouldn't do it again, and I haven't. At this point I think he began worrying he was going to lose me to another guy & he talked his mom into sending him to visit me, two weeks for his Christmas present. Oh, did I mention he lives in Portugal? Yeah, that is in Europe. (He speaks very good English too.) He came here December 15th and stayed until the thirtieth. I still remember the amazing feeling of warmth and love I felt the moment he walked through the airport doors and wrapped his arms around me. I've never felt anything so amazing since. Just thinking about it now is making me cry. Anyway... We held hands on the way home from the airport and after sitting in my room for about three minutes he kissed me. HE kissed ME. I didn't have to kiss him first. Sex came later and I did kind of provoke it a bit more than him but what can I say..It was worth it. We were both virgins and it was just pure bliss. The whole two weeks was. God knows how my parents didn't notice. I guess I'm just sneaky. But, I felt comfortable with him. I didn't feel ashamed of my body or awkward. I felt completely at home in my skin. Something I had never felt before and haven't felt since. December 30th rolled around and I can honestly say that was the worst, most heart wrenching day of my life. I've never felt so crushed, so destroyed, so empty. I cried and cried and cried. And cried some more. I still cry remembering it. And if I had known I'd never see him again I wouldn't have let him get on that god damn plane. He promised me he'd come back. He promised. I guess promises really are meant to be broken. We continued our long distance relationship, planning on him visiting August 2008 for three months. It never got that far. We started arguing a bit in June about stupid things. Basically he wasn't putting in as much effort as he used to. I felt like I was doing everything and trying to keep us together all alone. It was killing me inside more and more each day. I started going out with my friend and drinking almost every night, that's when the pot came into play more and more too. Let me tell you, that did not make things better between Jo & I. He didn't want me into that stuff and I couldn't lie to him about it but HE was KILLING me inside. Could he not tell that I was doing it because I was in PAIN? Did he not care? I still don't understand what was going through his head to this day. July 7th rolled around, the day after our ten month anniversary. And he ended things. I still don't get the full reason, or reasons. I just don't understand. I don't think I ever will. Maybe it's better that way, I don't know. I feel like maybe, if I was skinny and prettier, and I didn't have mood swings, and I wasn't so paranoid that maybe, just maybe..He would have stayed. He would have continued to love me and came and visited in the summer. He would have carried out his plans to propose to me in the summer and come back February 2009 & marry me, when I turned eighteen. He would then get his green card and stay. Get an apartment with me, and we would live happily ever after. I want my fairy tale ending. I want to feel normal. I want to not HURT everywhere, everyday. I want to be FREE of this body, these emotions, this LIFE. God help me.
  8. Is there a chat going on too or just the interview to listen? I'm listening already...
  9. Referral made. Appointment date: Monday, November 24th 2008. 10:00 AM Nervous? Yes. Relived to be going to someplace good? Yes. Feeling any better physically or emotionally? Big no. Let's hope a week and three days flies by fast, shall we? -Lyssa
  10. LyssaFace

    The Begining

    So, I thought I'd start a blog on here today to document what happens in my life with my health issues. Here's what's already occurred. Hi, my name is Alyssa but I go by Lys or Lyssa. I'm a seventeen year old female and currently am at 258 lbs, my highest weight yet. About two years ago my mother requested to have my records from doctor and ER visits released to her because school was threatening truancy due to my extensive absences. FLASHBACK: My absences are due to me having a low immune system due to all the steroids I have been on and off of. Every time I would get sick my asthma would act up & my doctor would prescribe prednisone. While paging through the records she noticed that when I was nine years old a doctor at the ER had wrote down that I possibly had something called cushing's syndrome. Not knowing what it was she did research on it without telling me. Shortly after I found out and was furious that she could hide the possibility of me having a disease from me. I mean, I knew I would have freaked out if she told me but it's better to know than not know, right? So anyway, last year sometime we located an endocrinologist in our city and had him do a blood test. My cortisone levels came back normal. Recently I had it done again, I'd say a few months ago and they once again came back normal. By this time my weight was bothering me so terribly that our doctor gave us a referral to a surgeon an hour away from where we live. That appointment was today. We disscussed lap-band surgery and he humiliated me. First of all he asked me if I have plans for after I get out of school and I said I was thinking about going to a cosmetology school but I was unsure yet. I mean, I know it's better to be decided on these kinds of things but I'd rather not THINK I want to do something and waste my time studying it and then end up never using the degree, like my aunt did with nursing. Then he asked me if I currently have a job, and I don't because of school. I did have one a year or so ago but it wasn't the type of job I had hoped it would be and with my weight and asthma it was all too much for me to handle. Then he asked if I drive and I said no because it costs $500 for the class but if you wait until you're eighteen it doesn't. Then he went on to basically call me immature and say I'm not ready to make a life-long decision like this because I haven't made any of these decisions. Who the hell is he to tell me if I'm mature on his first impression? And not only that but he made me feel like because I don't have a plan to give back & better the society job-wise & what not that I'm not WORTH getting healthy over. I know I probably took a lot of what he said over board but he was very rude to me. I started BALLING out of anger & frustration with him & he only got more cocky and rude. I may be only seventeen but that does not mean that I can't choose to better myself. I have done many things to try to lose my weight & nothing works. (Sorry for ranting but like I said this just happened today.) Anyway... My mom brought up to him cushings because apparently even though the blood tests had twice come back normal she still thought it was a possibility. He then brought my self-esteam to a new low. He went on to exam my stretch marks which he made seem god-awful and I know they don't look great, I mean for christ sakes THEY'RE STRETCH MARKS. But seriously he wasn't nice about it at all, he was VERY blunt. He then went on to call my face 'moon shaped' and call the fatty hump on the back of my neck a 'buffalo hump' I know, I know, I shouldn't take it personal. But me knowing it's like that and having a stranger TELL me so bluntly hurt a lot. I feel so ugly and disgusting now and it's killing me. I mean it's one thing to battle with my weight but another to have him tell me all these things like they're so bad. Then he suggested I have my primary doctor make a referral to The Mayo Clinc in Minnesota because he thought cushings seemed very likely. I hate to HOPE I have a disease but if it's not this I have to try to get approved by a different doctor for surgery and what if I keep getting denied? I can't live like this, I just can't. High School & teenage years are supposed to be the best years of your life & so far they've been my worst emotionally. It's just all so hard to take. _____________________ Also I wanted to add that I do have a lot of symptoms of cushings such as: Stretch marks on my stomach, back, shoulders, back of my knees and some starting on the top of my breasts. Moon-Shaped face. (I don't think I do but the doctor said I do.) Hump on neck. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Depression. Mood swings. Weight gain, particularly around the mid-section. Fatigue. Muscle weakness. Bruise easily. Irritability. Loss of emotional control. Acne. (Which I have under control now with special skin cream, thank god. But I still occasionally get some under my hair on my head.) Absent menstrual periods. (I don't get my period regularly unless I take birth control.) Headaches. (I get these a lot & even more than usual lately.) Weakness of bones. (I broke my wrist in third grade ice skating, usually bones are still flexible at this age & don't break easily.) ________________________ I thought I'd add a few more notes to my story... I have had my thyroid tested twice & it was normal so I know it's not that. & I also have a few other symptoms that I didn't mention cause I wasn't sure if they had anything to do with cushings but here they are:: Balance problems. Frequent stomach aches. Acid Reflex occasionally. (I used to have to be on medication for it but it improved somewhat.) Shortness of breath. & probably more that I can't think of right now. I was reading my doctor records today and I read that at 7 I was already slightly over weight. So I'm wondering if maybe I've had this since age seven? Because at nine an ER doctor had wrote down he thought it 'looked' like I had cushings. I hope we get this all figured out. My mother contacted our doctor today about making a referral to The Mayo Clinc in Minnesota & she said she can make the referral tomorrow after speaking with the surgeon we met with yesterday because she wants to see what doctor he recommends at The Mayo Clinc. They better have the referral made tomorrow and it better not be any longer than two weeks away or I'm going to be pissed. At this point I'm so embarrassed about my weight and everything that i don't even want to attend school to finish up my Senior year. Also, my balance problems may be related to me gaining forty pounds in the last ten months. All I can ask is that you all pray.
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