I have especially been thinking (sometimes a lot) about suicide after the last surgery.
I have of course had my days of being depressed to the point of being sick, but never as bad as this.
I am depressed about the last years of my life wasted, my body, my hair, my face...you name it, and then I'm depressed for thinking that way.
I think one thing that makes me so depressed is the pain now. The pain is uncontrollable and I hate living like this. I know my hormones are messed up and until they are straightened out I will not get back to myself.
Nick, Funny you should mention the way people look on the street and comments others can make about them, because that was one of the worst things when this all started for me to deal with. I was always a petite person... the only one that could do the splits, cartwheels etc, the grand champion of the grade school at jump-roping (quit laughing :-) life was good and so was my body. Then after 30 + years of being that way I suddenly gain 100+ pounds and I got lost, drown if you will somewhere down inside of it.
I started getting the snorting teenagers, the looks, the comments because I couldn't hold my last baby, the comments from family that I needed to walk every night. Really? I never thought of that. I was rather enjoying the blubber, thanks. All when just before I went to the gym 3-4 days a week for 1 1/2-2 hours of aroebics and weights. It's not like I asked for this.
I have been fortunate not to have to test long or go through some of the trouble that some of you have with doctors not believing or listening yet I've still been so depressed that I thought daily of the easiest way to get out of hell.
Not many times have I brought up my depression with people, with the exception of a few times in my blog and a couple of close friends.
I don't tell Robert anything anymore after screaming at him "you have no idea how it feels to want to die every f-ing day of your life, and knowing you can't because of your children" That is honestly the 1 and only thing that has kept me here. I know it probably scared him but he says nothing, not one damn thing about it. At least a simple "I'm sorry you are feeling that way to aknowledge it would help. I feel like the comedians that attempt or succeed in suicide that everyone says "they had to have been happy as funny as they were"....not saying that I'm funny, just that people hide it well and cover their real feelings for others when they are dying inside.
All I know is that I feel like I'm being punished for something but I have no idea what or when the nightmare will end.