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My Daily Trials and tribulations

Entries in this blog

Here I am and it is 2010

I have accomplished nothing much. I hadn't kept up on this forum and should have done a lot more. I now know I weigh more than a whopping 440 lbs because I couldn't even weigh on this one scale my friend just bought for herself. I need to find out if this is some kind of medical condition caused by something abnormal or if this is weight I can lose and have just gained and gained easily over the years. It is going to be even harder now. I am following weight watchers and will start swimming this

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Back after a Long Time

I have no idea what I am doing here, but thought I would at least say hello. Last year I went bananas before Christmas from my OCD which I hate with a passion. I never did find out what was wrong because I never followed up on tests. I just turned 33 this past August. I cannot believe it had already been almost a year or so since I had been on here posting. Maybe this next year will be more fruitful. I can always hope.

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Dear SELF

Dear self, Today has been filled with some moments of happiness. Despite all my struggles I am still alive and kicking here. I am lonely. That is always the hardest part. Yes, I am blessed to have hubby, but I am still lonely. I miss my best friend Mikki. But, I have no idea where she went. My other friend, well she obviously does not want to be friends with me anymore because I am too fat, or because she changed religions, or who knows what. Oh well, such is life. I miss Mikki most of all. Her

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Blah Day

I have a sink full of dishes. I managed to sweep the floor today. But I have felt too weak and down to do much else. Scooped out the cat box and hubby dumped that out in the dumpster.   I have been feeling stranger by the minute lol. I dunno anymore how to describe how I feel, except it is hard sometimes. I am not terribly depressed today, just don't feel up to much. I have been a little lonely and wondering what has happened to a couple of my overseas pen pals from online.   My one friend

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Once upon a time there was this young woman...

Who after so many years of being heavy tried many ways to lose weight including things that people only assume that really skinny people do. She had ups and downs and some successes only to fail and fail again. She thought about trying to starve herself and even had fasted here and there. Now she sits today trying once again to gain control because she really doesn't know if she will be able to lose weight even by eating healthy...but it is possible. So she is trying to maintain a healthy balanc

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

The weekend is finally Here

YEAH! I went to bed before 4 am... It is a miracle and I was up at 8 am. I would have slept in longer but our cats are too noisty. Maybe I am finally getting somewhere with getting back on a somewhat "normal schedule". I am still tired yes, but at least I am up with the sun and not going to bed with it.   I may just have to start taking a small nap mid day to help with the crazy fatigue.   Not much planned today, just gonna spend some time with hubby  

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

TGIF

Thank God it is Friday...my hubby said that too this morning as he took off on the bike to go to work.   We both are just hoping to spend some time together, without excess baloney and exhaustion.   I am still trying to normalize my sleeping schedule. Got sick a bit yesterday afternoon with the room spinning and fatigue hitting me like a ton of bricks...even before I had to take some benadryl. Needless to say that messed me up still. I am going to try to sleep just a little while this morni

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Hoping to be able to do a little more today

Yeah, nothing much going on here. But, I am hoping to be able to at least get the dishes cleaned up since I am not so weak and sore today oh and make a decent supper for us. The weather is nice, and it is quiet here. At least it makes for a peaceful day.

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Random Thoughts

I learned from my mother yesterday that my brother found some nephrologist at one of the bigger hospitals around here that may have been actually decent. Considering the luck and lack of help I have had from the one I just saw, and the one I had before...it figures. THIS nephrologist supposedly told my brother that he/she though my brother had CUSHINGS! because of a buffalo hump and other symptoms. According to my mother, my brother does not believe he could have Cushings. THERE is something wro

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

SELF DOUBT

SELF DOUBT And reasoning Are incompatible in my life Irrational fears are rational now For loss has been at every turn I survive... That is all I do For my basic needs are almost met But never completely met I survive I keep hanging on to the thread Somewhere in my heart Somewhere in my dreams There is a beautiful tree in a meadow That I long to hold on to I long to reach out for But it is not tangible The green leaves turning up toward the sun By a river This tree is never t

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

To be honest, I am fed up

Some days, I just don't think I can keep goin on like this. And there are some other things so completely out of my control that are affecting my health too, and I want to toss them out the window.   ENOUGH SAID

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Gonna Be 32

I am going to be 32 on Thursday. I will be saying some extra prayers for Gracie before and on the day she has surgery. I could care less about my birthday...another day older and a dollar short.   So, I hope and pray it will be a new day for Gracie and that would be the best thing.   Today, I am a bit slow. Feeling apprehensive and a bit irritable. I just haven't been sleeping normally and it is tiring.

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Up again at 2:52 am

Yep, Here I am wide awake. I have a headache again and why could that be...perhaps because I have cut way down on the magnesium.   It keeps the headache and neckache in check. I slept a lot though the last few days because I think I am worn out. I am up for now though and managed to finally get all the dishes washed and made supper last night. Hubby really liked it. I will have to do a few more that we had from dinner. You would not think that something so simple could be such a pain. I wan

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Feelin a little bit better tonight

Finally, after mega supplementation...meaning more than normal for even me...I feel a little better than recently. It is always such an up and down thing that I hate it. I made a nephrologist appointment for next Friday but I am not holding my breath. I hope my mom can take me or that I can get the bus to come to our apartment but I have to give advance notice. I have some cleaning to do, but all I did was wash a load of laundry so far. I made a quick throw together meal which was hubby's first

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

I love and I live

I love and I live I always try to forgive I must put God first more often My heart I must soften   I must learn to adapt I must find where I've snapped Repairing the past The tears that outlast   The resolve that I find Yet dissolves in my mind For each new day brings terror And my own human error   I love and I live Myself I cannot forgive Myself I do not forget I haven't given up yet   I don't want to fight anymore This internal war This infernal nightmare While awake I

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Maybe I'm not

Being positive enough Hoping enough Worrying enough Analyzing things enough   Maybe I am thinking too much Worrying too much Cryin too much   Maybe I am just a little bit worn A little bit frustrated A little bit hopeless   Maybe I am absolutely exhausted Tired of trying Tired of hurtin   Maybe I am definitely buried Beneath a pile of ashes Beneath years of disgrace Beneath countless ambiguities     Perhaps I can get out of this mess Perhaps I can find someone who cares

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Ramblings on the day

I slept 6 hours almost straight last into the morning except for having to get up once. I also was so tired today, that later on I had to lay down. My heart felt funny, almost fluttering so I took some magnesium early afternoon, and some potassium just now. I am still getting weak and shakey and I think this is the problem, but I am going to try to treat myself since I have no guidelines, no diagnosis, and no one to really back me up except to just nod their heads (bobble bobble).   I went and

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Ode to Salt...Love Hate relationship

When I crave you I cannot resist While you are sitting there and you insist When I am not even hungry but pickles beckon Or the Red Hot sauce is a quick fix I reckon   Please let me go, instead of calling my name I have dreamt of you when I feel insane Now I have been good, and tried to limit The food I eat, and how much of you is in it   But then I may crash, and unexpectedly so It sets me adrift like a raft to-and-fro It is not fair, for I do not comprehend What is wrong with me,

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Wednesday Wednesday

Yawn...I need some more sleep. Slept 3 hours, got up and made hubby lunch and cleaned up a few dishes. Was feelin not too badly last night so I got some cooking done and made chicken to bring to mom's today. I just have to cook the veggies and the rice. I made low sodium tacos yesteday and used made soup with the meat juice with veggies and some salt. I didn't keep it too low, but it is much better than store bought. Had a good bowl of that soup just now with some added nutritional yeast and som

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Good Morning Lord

While I slept a few hours or so I am sure you never let me go I may not feel well, and may be sad But with you near tis not so bad   I would like to find the joy and peace You've promised me with pure release So please be my comforter and my life Take away this wanderer's strife   Your light is like a lullaby To ever human passerby Your majesty so inconceivable Your awesomeness is unbelieveable   I am nothing and I have no right To ask for much but in your sight We are precious

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Positive things to Say

I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for food in my mouth I am thankful for the things we have I am thankful for God above, and Jesus ultimate sacrifice I am thankful we didn't break down in the middle of the night far away from the hospital. At least we were close enough hubby could push the car back to the parking lot. I am thankful my father is helping us out right now by taking us to the store if we need to go and for him having the car towed today even though I am payin

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

In retrospect

I am trying hard not to think about this one nurse at the ER the other night, but I gotta write it down. Now I do not know if I have Cushings...and I always say this. I know something is not right and it cannot only be explained by PCOS because that would not cause me to have muscle weakness, twitching, and electrolyte problems. I believe something is wrong with my adrenal glands just because of how many things I was wasting when they did this one 24 hour urine test months ago, despite having n

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Crazy Night

I was on for a short time last night after having been in bed for awhile from a headache that has been going on for 4 days...amidst dealing with dizzyness, thirst, weakness, heart racing, and flank pain. I felt that my blood pressure was up, and I took one of my older atenolols hoping it would help. It helped my heart rate, but not my bp. So, we went to the local ER, and I was hoping they would be able to help for my headache and dizzyness. They gave me a blood pressure pill, a script for that,

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

Nothing Is Ever Good Enough

Nothing is ever good enough Everything seems so strange My sight, my taste, and sense of smell are off My hearing is either too acute or somewhat strained   My head it keeps on pounding Like a bullseye between the eyes Sometimes my heart does not beat quite right And there is nothing "Right" about my size   When I awake, I am so parched and sick Only cold drinks at this time will suit my thirst When I try to sleep, I feel to restless If I don't run to "John" I might burst.   My he

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

TGIF

Thank God it is Friday. I can at least be thankful for that. I called this endo I am supposed to see and scheduled a tentative appointment for Sept. 2, or third...I gotta call back and find out which day since I forgot to write it down...at 10:30 am. I still have to figure out how I will get there, since I don't know if my mom is working that day. If my husband is still having his temp work, he will have to take off and they may not ask him back. I do not have a choice. I have got to get to the

SleepyTimeTea

SleepyTimeTea

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