I have accomplished nothing much. I hadn't kept up on this forum and should have done a lot more. I now know I weigh more than a whopping 440 lbs because I couldn't even weigh on this one scale my friend just bought for herself. I need to find out if this is some kind of medical condition caused by something abnormal or if this is weight I can lose and have just gained and gained easily over the years. It is going to be even harder now. I am following weight watchers and will start swimming this
I have no idea what I am doing here, but thought I would at least say hello. Last year I went bananas before Christmas from my OCD which I hate with a passion. I never did find out what was wrong because I never followed up on tests. I just turned 33 this past August. I cannot believe it had already been almost a year or so since I had been on here posting. Maybe this next year will be more fruitful.
I can always hope.
Dear self,
Today has been filled with some moments of happiness. Despite all my struggles I am still alive and kicking here. I am lonely. That is always the hardest part. Yes, I am blessed to have hubby, but I am still lonely. I miss my best friend Mikki. But, I have no idea where she went. My other friend, well she obviously does not want to be friends with me anymore because I am too fat, or because she changed religions, or who knows what. Oh well, such is life. I miss Mikki most of all. Her
I have a sink full of dishes. I managed to sweep the floor today. But I have felt too weak and down to do much else. Scooped out the cat box and hubby dumped that out in the dumpster.
I have been feeling stranger by the minute lol. I dunno anymore how to describe how I feel, except it is hard sometimes. I am not terribly depressed today, just don't feel up to much. I have been a little lonely and wondering what has happened to a couple of my overseas pen pals from online.
My one friend
Who after so many years of being heavy tried many ways to lose weight including things that people only assume that really skinny people do. She had ups and downs and some successes only to fail and fail again. She thought about trying to starve herself and even had fasted here and there. Now she sits today trying once again to gain control because she really doesn't know if she will be able to lose weight even by eating healthy...but it is possible. So she is trying to maintain a healthy balanc
YEAH! I went to bed before 4 am...
It is a miracle and I was up at 8 am. I would have slept in longer but our cats are too noisty. Maybe I am finally getting somewhere with getting back on a somewhat "normal schedule". I am still tired yes, but at least I am up with the sun and not going to bed with it.
I may just have to start taking a small nap mid day to help with the crazy fatigue.
Not much planned today, just gonna spend some time with hubby
Thank God it is Friday...my hubby said that too this morning as he took off on the bike to go to work.
We both are just hoping to spend some time together, without excess baloney and exhaustion.
I am still trying to normalize my sleeping schedule. Got sick a bit yesterday afternoon with the room spinning and fatigue hitting me like a ton of bricks...even before I had to take some benadryl. Needless to say that messed me up still. I am going to try to sleep just a little while this morni
Yeah, nothing much going on here. But, I am hoping to be able to at least get the dishes cleaned up since I am not so weak and sore today oh and make a decent supper for us. The weather is nice, and it is quiet here. At least it makes for a peaceful day.
I learned from my mother yesterday that my brother found some nephrologist at one of the bigger hospitals around here that may have been actually decent. Considering the luck and lack of help I have had from the one I just saw, and the one I had before...it figures. THIS nephrologist supposedly told my brother that he/she though my brother had CUSHINGS! because of a buffalo hump and other symptoms. According to my mother, my brother does not believe he could have Cushings. THERE is something wro
SELF DOUBT
And reasoning
Are incompatible in my life
Irrational fears are rational now
For loss has been at every turn
I survive...
That is all I do
For my basic needs are almost met
But never completely met
I survive
I keep hanging on to the thread
Somewhere in my heart
Somewhere in my dreams
There is a beautiful tree in a meadow
That I long to hold on to
I long to reach out for
But it is not tangible
The green leaves turning up toward the sun
By a river
This tree is never t
Some days, I just don't think I can keep goin on like this.
And there are some other things so completely out of my control that are affecting my health too, and I want to toss them out the window.
ENOUGH SAID
I am going to be 32 on Thursday. I will be saying some extra prayers for Gracie before and on the day she has surgery. I could care less about my birthday...another day older and a dollar short.
So, I hope and pray it will be a new day for Gracie and that would be the best thing.
Today, I am a bit slow. Feeling apprehensive and a bit irritable.
I just haven't been sleeping normally and it is tiring.
Yep,
Here I am wide awake. I have a headache again and why could that be...perhaps because I have cut way down on the magnesium.
It keeps the headache and neckache in check. I slept a lot though the last few days because I think I am worn out.
I am up for now though and managed to finally get all the dishes washed and made supper last night. Hubby really liked it.
I will have to do a few more that we had from dinner. You would not think that something so simple could be such a pain. I wan
Finally, after mega supplementation...meaning more than normal for even me...I feel a little better than recently. It is always such an up and down thing that I hate it. I made a nephrologist appointment for next Friday but I am not holding my breath. I hope my mom can take me or that I can get the bus to come to our apartment but I have to give advance notice. I have some cleaning to do, but all I did was wash a load of laundry so far.
I made a quick throw together meal which was hubby's first
I love and I live
I always try to forgive
I must put God first more often
My heart I must soften
I must learn to adapt
I must find where I've snapped
Repairing the past
The tears that outlast
The resolve that I find
Yet dissolves in my mind
For each new day brings terror
And my own human error
I love and I live
Myself I cannot forgive
Myself I do not forget
I haven't given up yet
I don't want to fight anymore
This internal war
This infernal nightmare
While awake I
Being positive enough
Hoping enough
Worrying enough
Analyzing things enough
Maybe I am thinking too much
Worrying too much
Cryin too much
Maybe I am just a little bit worn
A little bit frustrated
A little bit hopeless
Maybe I am absolutely exhausted
Tired of trying
Tired of hurtin
Maybe I am definitely buried
Beneath a pile of ashes
Beneath years of disgrace
Beneath countless ambiguities
Perhaps I can get out of this mess
Perhaps I can find someone who cares
I slept 6 hours almost straight last into the morning except for having to get up once. I also was so tired today, that later on I had to lay down. My heart felt funny, almost fluttering so I took some magnesium early afternoon, and some potassium just now. I am still getting weak and shakey and I think this is the problem, but I am going to try to treat myself since I have no guidelines, no diagnosis, and no one to really back me up except to just nod their heads (bobble bobble).
I went and
When I crave you I cannot resist
While you are sitting there and you insist
When I am not even hungry but pickles beckon
Or the Red Hot sauce is a quick fix I reckon
Please let me go, instead of calling my name
I have dreamt of you when I feel insane
Now I have been good, and tried to limit
The food I eat, and how much of you is in it
But then I may crash, and unexpectedly so
It sets me adrift like a raft to-and-fro
It is not fair, for I do not comprehend
What is wrong with me,
Yawn...I need some more sleep. Slept 3 hours, got up and made hubby lunch and cleaned up a few dishes. Was feelin not too badly last night so I got some cooking done and made chicken to bring to mom's today. I just have to cook the veggies and the rice. I made low sodium tacos yesteday and used made soup with the meat juice with veggies and some salt. I didn't keep it too low, but it is much better than store bought. Had a good bowl of that soup just now with some added nutritional yeast and som
While I slept a few hours or so
I am sure you never let me go
I may not feel well, and may be sad
But with you near tis not so bad
I would like to find the joy and peace
You've promised me with pure release
So please be my comforter and my life
Take away this wanderer's strife
Your light is like a lullaby
To ever human passerby
Your majesty so inconceivable
Your awesomeness is unbelieveable
I am nothing and I have no right
To ask for much but in your sight
We are precious
I am thankful for a roof over my head.
I am thankful for food in my mouth
I am thankful for the things we have
I am thankful for God above, and Jesus ultimate sacrifice
I am thankful we didn't break down in the middle of the night far away from the hospital. At least we were close enough hubby could push the car back to the parking lot.
I am thankful my father is helping us out right now by taking us to the store if we need to go and for him having the car towed today even though I am payin
I am trying hard not to think about this one nurse at the ER the other night, but I gotta write it down. Now I do not know if I have Cushings...and I always say this. I know something is not right and it cannot only be explained by PCOS because that would not cause me to have muscle weakness, twitching, and electrolyte problems.
I believe something is wrong with my adrenal glands just because of how many things I was wasting when they did this one 24 hour urine test months ago, despite having n
I was on for a short time last night after having been in bed for awhile from a headache that has been going on for 4 days...amidst dealing with dizzyness, thirst, weakness, heart racing, and flank pain. I felt that my blood pressure was up, and I took one of my older atenolols hoping it would help. It helped my heart rate, but not my bp. So, we went to the local ER, and I was hoping they would be able to help for my headache and dizzyness. They gave me a blood pressure pill, a script for that,
Nothing is ever good enough
Everything seems so strange
My sight, my taste, and sense of smell are off
My hearing is either too acute or somewhat strained
My head it keeps on pounding
Like a bullseye between the eyes
Sometimes my heart does not beat quite right
And there is nothing "Right" about my size
When I awake, I am so parched and sick
Only cold drinks at this time will suit my thirst
When I try to sleep, I feel to restless
If I don't run to "John" I might burst.
My he
Thank God it is Friday. I can at least be thankful for that. I called this endo I am supposed to see and scheduled a tentative appointment for Sept. 2, or third...I gotta call back and find out which day since I forgot to write it down...at 10:30 am. I still have to figure out how I will get there, since I don't know if my mom is working that day. If my husband is still having his temp work, he will have to take off and they may not ask him back. I do not have a choice. I have got to get to the
