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Ugh


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What a day. I need to get an address for Jinxie for the hug a cushie doll. I havent been posting cause I'm on Fentanyl patch. I didn't want ot depress anyone but ah it's still not taking the pain away. My back. This pain is wearing me down big time. It isn't that it's 10 on a scale of 1-10; cause you know, I think someone having their legs blown off is a 10. Most I've had is a 9 in my life which is writhing on the floor moaning and wishing I were dead pain from my kidney. ANYWAYS it's about a 5 but it's nearly constant there is no break. I need shots but cannot afford them. I'm going to next month though even if I don't pay a bill or two forget this. This is survival. I went visiting to my neighbors tonight that was nice. Made me get up and out a bit. Hurt to sit on the couch more than my office chair but it was hilarious. She's funny. And she made cookies and her son who is only about 10 months loves me which is hella funny; why kids love me is beyond me. Might be all the funny smiles I give him. MY GOD I've become such a recluse. :ph34r: I noticed that many of other cushies are reclusive too. It's more a matter of survival than depression though there is certainly that. I give up. People aren't going to understand this unless they go through it. I just give up on explaining it. Yet I write about cushings a lot. And I know I'm being bitchy when they don't get it right. I mean I write it for me. Right? Then why do I post it on the internet? What am I looking for? I don't know. I just feel better when I talk about an aspect of it in a poem. It's like a release. I'll include my newer ones here. Why not :)RED TAPE KILLS (A Villanelle Form Poem)I exist on self-enforced life support, but I?m not dead.Each day dutifully swallowing poisoned pills.Heart and mind- basic functions- supported in this life not fully led.Finding joy in once normal things, hopes for a life ahead.Bottled dreams death?s only antidote, my anthem is still:I exist on self-enforced life support, but I?m not dead.The world whizzes past me, medicated.So weakened, even fun is exhausting. Pain alone enough to feelHeart and mind- basic functions- supported in this life not fully led.Stubbornness saves me, as I will not dictate my life from Death?s bed.Good intentions rarely enough for others to see what?s painfully real-I exist on self-enforced life support, but I?m not dead.Without insurance, there?s no doctor?s guidance, no caring if I live or die. Med-students know nothing of my complexities- they simply write on my unpaid bill:Heart and mind- basic functions- supported in this life not fully led.Without my knowledge and persistence, my epitaph would read instead:Here lies Adrienne- So young, such a shame. Left behind a hill of bills. Red tape kills.I exist on self-enforced life support, but I?m not dead.Heart and mind- basic functions- supported in this life not fully led.paini can?t smile todayor write a love poemor be wittyor even bother to dotmy ?i?s?i?m floating on pain?s wavesthis life i?m living in vaintrying to escapefeeling its undertowagain helpless to resistits hopelessnessyou can?t save meunless you can take awayall this painbut of course you can?tbeat it up and ship it outlike any sane manwould itch to donor fix itbecause it isn?t a foeyou can touchand it runs away from youas much as it clingsto meto love meplease accept thatyou are as helpless to itas i amand thati do not wishon anybodyknow that if i couldi?d spare youthe realizationof my sufferingbut i?m addicted tothe comfort you canprovideand the caring that youshowjust don?t ask me tosmile through it allnot even ican ignore italways

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