13th September 2005
Ggggrrrr....woke up feeling rough again - what's going on! , OK, so I overslept and hour and took my meds late but still...lol! No, seriously, my stomach probs are still going on and that damn lump in the side of my neck is back again, I'm counting down the days to our move but think the stress is hitting me but I am trying to keep it all inside. The closer it gets, the sadder I get about moving but the happier I get about starting over - its a bit euphoric at times! Well, I better get off my big arse and start getting ready, need to take Harry to pre-school in half an hour...must stop typing...Feeling a bit down. Just had an email from an old friend that I email everynow and then but we haven't seen each other for years. She just mentioned what a fantastci hen night she had been on. It was a hen night I had been invited to, my old best friend is getting married on Friday. I would have loved to have gone, but I still feel insecure in myself becuase of the physical changes this illness has brought but the main thing is we have no money and I know all of my 'old' friends are settled with well paid jobs and futures. God I feel such a failure right now. I just want to sob my stupid heart out. I wish I was in a piosition where I could feel confident to do things I used to do instead of being trapped inside a body I don't really want and a life I hate. Don't get me wrong I love my family to bits but sometimes I just wish I could go back to a normal life and it just breaks my heart that I am denying myself happiness becuase I am so self-concious and concerned what other people think of me.
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