Gee I let this blog go. I had a cold. The it became strep throat. Then sinus infection and bronchitis. Now I got pnemonia. Safe to say I am very infected!I got some sort of medical insurance. I am happy about it. But it isnt much and I had to lie to get it. I dont know much about it. But at least doctors visits and meds will be paid for. That's... amazing. Im just in shock.Yesterday marked one year that my dad died. So I wrote something for him. Maybe i'll post it. A bit dramatic but that's me. Just... sleepless with cold meds. Obviously not feeling well. I got sick cause i went down on the steroids again. 19mgs prednisone down from 30mgs last year. Yes! Couldnt get into chat this week. Whats up with that. I tried and tried Missing ya all. Got cushie addys for dolls so now I can send them. My mom will pick them up and mail them for me in a couple days when she comes. I cant go anywhere. September 30, 2005 Dear Dad, I spoke to you, a year ago today. Not with words, but mind-thoughts: Were you happy? Can it be that you were at last free from pain? Did you get to see old Harry again? It took me all day but I finally could say, Dad, did you know how much I loved you? I didn?t really expect a reply, and so I wasn?t all that disappointed when I received none. Still, my questions continued. Was it okay that we didn't spend more time together? Would you now know the answers you had searched for all your life? Did the mysteries of the world reveal themselves to you? Was there a magical moment of eternal epiphany, or were you as clueless up there as we are below the heavens? Were you greeted by your favorite uncle, Charlie? Did my zoo flock to you and greet you as I had hoped? Would your widow be best kept in your home? Ah dad, when the time came, did you understand how much your writings meant to me? That your creativity gave permission to my own artistic expression? When I spoke at your service, was it really you who smiled upon me in spirit? Did you not urge me to speak past the void you'd left in my life? Did you realize how ashamed I was that I nearly had to stifle my hysterical laughter as I heard your voice in my head? Some children never know love from their fathers; death and physical and emotional separation often interferes. Yet, I knew you. I knew you as a father, and as a man. I knew you as a person I admired. Never without fault, but- I knew you. Do you know now why I loved you? Because you didn?t, then, not while you were alive; couldn?t see what you meant to me. Of five children given to you, three to share, only one, perhaps two, recognized your worth. And really, how crass of me to speak of it. Only? I just don?t understand how I am left to mourn you in private. Your widow has her own pain and cannot take on mine. My mother, your ex-wife of many, many years, she still cannot comprehend that you are gone. The others? well, whatever. But of the two daughters, born of your flesh, why am I alone in my mourning? Of course, you never understood her and God knows, I do not either; in fact, to attempt to do so would be a catastrophic event that I fear would shake the foundation of my spirituality and life as I know it would cease to exist. Well, something like that, at least. What a shame. What a damned shame, dad. I?m sorry she hurt you so. As I?ve said already and at the extreme risk of repeating myself, I knew you. The words keep repeating in my head, a refrain that never stops when I think of you: I knew you, I knew you, I knew you! Your worth. Your loving ways. Your big-gentle-bear-ness. And this day marks the one year anniversary of your death. One year that I?ve been speaking to you, wondering if you really can hear me. Asking you if you know the answers to the questions that life brings; even those that death comprehends. You might say that we are separated now by life- my life- for surely death is as omniscient in reality as it remains in my mind. No, death presents no barrier between us, really. It is my life only that separates us now. But, all things in time will come to me, and one day- one day, dad- you?ll be able to answer my questions, face to face. And until I die, I?m content enough to wait. But I?ll continue to talk to you, without words (like this), because every girl needs her daddy. And because? death has not cheapened your worth, to me, at all. Love, XXXX
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