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Trying to have happy Thoughts


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Trying to have happy Thoughts it Friday and christmas is upon us and it dosn't even seem like christmas to me.... I am trying to be postive esp for the kids because if this is my last christmas I want the girls to have good memories of the last christmas with me... My health has gotten so bad I can longer hide my head in the sand I beleive I must face what the endo said this week He told me to put my affairs in order becasue I don't have much longer.. I havn't even had the heart to tell Ken that He knows the doctor said I was dying but he dosn't know He told to get my affairs in order.... I am sure hoping that the neuro surgeron will have better news... I sometimes wonder if my endo has just given up and maybe I need a new one.... I was talking to my friend today She a rare disorder that cause her to get fatty tumors all over her body and then had tyroid Cancer ... Her endo was going to send her to Nih but they told her that Johns Hopkins was beswt for her ... she told me Kandy you need to go somewhere so then you will know that you did everything you could and my family will know that too when I am gone.... THey always say you know when it your time and the last few days I had a feeling that I don't have much longer and that make me sad to think i am leaving my girls without a mom at such a young age.... I have fought for 14 years to beat this thing .. and I am tried I am not sure how much fight I have left in me.... I guess these are not happy thoughts ...but I think I need to face it head on and it so hard to know how to say Goodbye to your family.... I start a journal for each of my girls and wrote letters for them to open on specail occasions so they will know I will be there with them in spirit even though I wasn't able to be there in person. I am going to real try to make 2this christmas fun for them as I know it will be my last one They say you know And I know I just want to admit it .. I not giving up I will contnue to look for new answers and new doctors .. but I also Am going to face the truth... I at least want my family to know that I fought with everything I had to stay with them but maybe that is not GOD plan ... But I want them to know I did everything I could ...... I sure wished I had not gotten this stomach virus but I think the stress made me sick ... I hope that it dosn't last to long ..... How do you say goodbye to your family Does anyone know I would aprecaite anyone advice ..............

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