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not sure what to do



Well it Friday december 30 well actually it saturday morning early. and yet again another sleepless night again the more i think about the endo not calling me with those results i mean of all people he knows I doon't fight infection well but yet he let this get so bad and ven with the swelling issue the causing of the congestive heart failure he fails me to infrom me that my kidneys were infected he knows my kidney are already damge by the steroids but yet he can just let it sit there in his office with no thought of how that can cost me time with my family he the one last week told me to put my affairs in order I realy hoping to find a new endo maybe i find one out there that has a heart. I know I should go to the hosptal becasue i know that this infection is septic I had one before and i know the signs and they are all here but it throws the family off so much when i in the hosptal that on one hand the other is I getting sicker by the moment and if I don't go I may die sooner then later Oh my heart is so sad I realize this wek i may face it that no matter how hard i fight or what i try to do there is just nothing I can do My emtions have been screw up so bad today crying at the drop of hat in front of my family and i I never do that I always do that in private they all had mouths fly open when i just burst into tears and if i tell the truth I just tired of having to fight if it wasn't for ken and the girls I would just give up they are the only reason i fight I just tired of constnly being sick and being in severe pain day in and day out and then having to deal with peple that just don't get it. I think i finallly understand what my endo told me last year that most woman get to the pooint i am at in my disease they kill thereselves I can understand if they didn't have faith in god and family just why they would do that beleive i hate to admit this but it has cross my mind i never do that to my kids but the pain is getting so incredeably bad that I am not so sure how much longer i can take it I sure hope the neuro will schue my surgery becasue i have no quality in life I just excist and i used to be a such a happy person that had lots of friends was involved in church involved in the girls school own my own company work a 80 week without the bleak of a eye now I can hardly walk to the bathoom much less anything else. I really so scare right now and i don,t have the heart to even tell ken that I scare out of my mind that end is anyday now i was so sick this week i didn't i pull though this and i know it coming soon they say you know and i beleive that i just kinda know even though i not sure how to explain it it just somefrom way down inside of you that you know but it makes me incredable sad to leave brittany and brooke without a mom at such a young age Brooke agry at me for being sick and i it just becasue she can't deal with Brittany seems to be pulling away from me. I starting to feel lonely even in an room full of people It like i ther ebut I am not The one question I have for god is I always tired to be a good person do what was right and be there for people when they needed me take the higher road when necessary but yet I going though this and it not about me it just leaving brittany and brooke and ken that i can't stand the thought of maybe if i understood the why i could handle alllthis better because right I falling into pieces wqell i need to stop crying before ms brittany geets home from work I don't want her to see me like this my illness has been so rough on her well i on to face another day


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