Still feeling low...
I am getting fed up with all this now...still feeling depressed...trying to cheer myself up with reading posts and trying to reply but still feeling very down. I think its just the not knowing with things, lack of money driving me mad, lack of progression in anything right now, and I just seem to be touchy to everyones words, ultra-sensitive...I really hate being like this...I vowed at the start of the year to start changing my ways but I have fallen back into bad habits again. The only problem is when I get down like this I start living in regrets and 'what ifs' and right now I am missing my home and having my own space and freedom. I feel like a cooped up hen, bashing her beak against the side of the cage and not getting anywhere fast. A week ago I said to myself that I would write a list of all the things I need to do. Still haven;t done it...Mum asked me to call a couple of people on her behalf yesterday, but it went out of my head and when she got home, I had both her and Steve asking me if I had done things and I just wanted to scream. Running this damn house and getting food on the table for them when they get home from work, caring for Harry, dealing with all my personal stuff on top of sorting out Mum's finances, being proofreader for Steves coursework and the all knowing one for any of Steves little problems...its just driving me crazy. I just had enough last night and said to Steve, I am going for a lie down and don;t want to be disturbed. Meanwhile Mum was upstairs trying to sort out a problem with a bill on the phone. As I lay in bed, I heard her go downstairs and was thinking, she is going to come right back up and tell me about the phonecall...lo and behold...knowck on the door and then I get 10 minutes of moaning about the call, then she wants to chat for half an hour - all I wanted was a break for a few minutes...that's all I ask for! My head just felt like it was going to explode and this bloody facial plethora is driving me round the bend, my cheeks burn like hell.I am hoping and praying that going to Uni and Harry off to school will change things...but I am starting to lose my optomism...I know then housework will fall to the wayside and who's direction will everyone be looking to...feel a bit like Cinderella right now....OK, now I've depressed everyone and gone on like a right whiney old cow, I'll sign off...2:30pm...I just can't stop crying...I've been like it all day. I am just so sick to death of our money situation right now. We haven't got a penny to our name right now. Mum is getting fed up withlending us money for Steves petrol to work - we do pay her back at the end of the month but its a vicious circle. Now we have no money to get Steve to work and I have no money to get to my course...I feel so fed up...I had an argument on the phone to Mum earlier as she left a note to me an Steve this morning accusing us of buggaring up her satellite TV. She is so bad with electronic devices that it was a simple thing of taking out the card and re-inserting it but she left us a nasty note basically blaming us and asking me to explain myself when she gets home...I feel like I have turned back the clock 20 years and right now I am very desperate to be anywhere but here...not sure how much more I can take of this...my problem is I try and help everyone out and please everybody but when it comes to my wants and needs, no buggar helps. I asked Steve if he could ask his work for a wages advance but because they have told him once already (several months ago) that they don't do it, he won't ask them again. He won't contact his family because we all know what will happen there...no help whatsoever...I am just tired of being th fixer in this family - th eone who sorts everything out for everyone...I don't ask for anything in return and I don't get anything in return - its all expected of me and I really feel taken for granted right now.Can you tell I'm having a bad day!
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