Well at last I get a few minutes to sit here and write tried to earlier but that was not successful because everyime I sit down someone is needing something. Jessie and her boyfriend have hung out at our house this weekend as he is having trouble at home which is ok most times it just seems like we always have someone b/f here I can't remember we sat down to dinner with just the girls. Ken says he has a good feeling about my surgery but I getting a liittle nervous but I sure that is fairly normal. I think because my pain has been so bad this week and thenn with all the blackout it kinda makes me feel out of control I hate the black outs but i know i having them becasuse I having to take the fluid pill but iof i don't take it I can't breathe. I slept for about a hour and now I up I hoping I will be able to go back to sleep after britt get in from work Ken home and that nice but it getting harder to hid from him how much I am hurting I don't want to hide it but last weekend he really broke down and I can handle the illness and the pain and even handle dying but what I can't handle is seeing Ken hurt. He has been so good to me there for me whereever i need him giving me space when i need it just to mention a few things I am glad he is going to be able to go to the surgeron appt with me. That way he can see what the surgery is going to entail and also give the doctor his percpertive of what has been happening. I guess on the most today was a good day. Ken and took Britt to lunch we don't get alot of time with her lately and I had notice she was kinda acting out i know it because she notices that my illness had become worst so this week i tried to spend time with her but it hard she in school then works at mcdonalds and then she engaged to keith and part of the week she was hanging out at his house his mom gives them alot of trouble but at the moment she loves britt not tomorrow the woman may forbid britt from coming over there. I told the girls today it not like we don't have enough drama in our lives yal pick out boys that really have drama in their families but I really like both the boys the girlsare dating it just right now I need to leave their family troubles at their house becasue we are trying to get everything line up so i can get the treatment i need. I glad church is in the morning as i seem to be to focus a litle better when i fathful in church but therre are soemdays I cannot make it but if possiable i do try to go. nPLus I am little worried about my friend sherry she going though a divorcee and she is having a rough time she had remarried her ex husband then 8 years later she getting divorced agin I told her please don't try a third time she said she would not but he was the woprst control freak I have ever met and so emtional abusive I gladd she out of it I beleive it was escalting and sspeaking from soemone wwho lived iin a abusive marriage they really don't change they just learn to islote you bettter. that why I was so scaredd to remarry but ken is so good to me there nothing he would not do for me including dying tonight we were laying in bed he kisserd my forehead and said baby I wosh i could take it away I said i know you do and i told him I will keep fighting until we find the answers or til i draw my last breathe. well i think i go read some of the boards while i wait for brittt to get home or find something to watch on tv