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Feeling Like A Disappointment


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Ok, so the plan was to try and do this blog thing on a close to daily basis, but I found that everytime I tried to write something I just completely blanked. Don't know what's going on there, I normally am never at a loss for things to say :)My doctor has taken me off work again, I'm on a short-term disability leave that runs through my employment insurance program. I feel like such a disappointment. I hate this, I know that the doctor recommended the leave and it's fully medically supported, but I still feel like a failure for not being able to work and like I don't deserve to be off and getting paid. It's so frustrating. I'm supposed to be off so that I can tinker with my medications (going through Effexor withdrawal right now...not fun), concentrate on trying to reduce stress/anxiety and just take care of myself...and also because the insomnia was getting so bad I could barely function. Still though, as I'm sure many of you understand, it is possible to have the occasional good day where you're feeling a bit better than normal. When these days occur, I want nothing more than to get out of my apartment...go to the mall or to see a movie or something to get me out of this place I spend almost all my time in. And it's like I'm paralyzed. I feel like I can't go anywhere because if someone sees me from work they're going to think I'm a fraud. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but it's this feeling that I can't shake. It's so frustrating...I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder...and I'm not even faking! I can't imagine how people fake disabilities and manage to function.

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