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How I Really Really Feel


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Remember the song Computer Blues on the Purple rain soundtrack? You'd have to have been a kid in the 80s maybe. I'm such a throwback. Don't really like the song but I think in lyrics. And words. Speaking of which I have been writing so much poetry lately. I write mainly to one website for authors and the support and feedback and cameraderie is great. If you've a yen for reading poetry or writing it yourself, I would be more than happy to share the site but not here publicly. While enjoying feedback, I like to keep some sense of privacy I'm not sure who reads this or who will more like in the future.This has been such a stressful week. I have had an ongoing psychological evaluation that was ordered by my state disability office for determination of medical benefits to muddle through. it has been so trying. I went through 2 hours of my childhood [grrrrrr] and then 5 hours of shape and vocab and other testing. However, the psych and his gal were GREAT and really makes me want to seek their help for my own purposes in the future. Hmm. Then a 600 T/F questionnaire yesterday. All this has brought up a lot of issues and questions within the mind or da marble as my friend chat puts it and I like that. Lost my marble lol.I'm so introspective it is overwhelming at times. Because I'm really trying to get to know the real me, and not to rely on who I used to be, or defined myself as, before cushing's [hereinafter referred to as BC ha ha]. BC... I was into spiritualism and bettering myself too but never to this degree. Everyone tells me 'You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.' But I DO. I do love me. But one of the questions was: I am happy with who I am. I said "False." Because I realize, I may love myself, but I'm not happy as I am. Who the hell would be?It isn't that I don't love ME. But how is this me? How can I say "God, yes, I love me just as I am?" I don't and I'm not supposed to. This isn't who I should be! [looks down at her body] It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to have thin skin and scars and and and [sighs]I'm not supposed to wish nay YEARN with a PASSION for serious cosmetic surgery. I wasn't even really vain before Cushing's. I wasn't! I was so pretty and so... normal. SO ME. And I know I have to accept myself for what I am, and that I already do accept myself for WHO I am. Who I am is inside, what I am is outside at least here. But this? [touches neck] THIS? No! I don't wanna. And nothing anyone says no matter how well intentioned can make me.They all say that when I find the right man, he will make me love myself but that's bull***. I don't need that I've HAD that. I've never BEEN with a man who didn't think I was fun and sexy and more. Well, not really. It isn't someone programming me with unacceptance for cushing's so much as it is me thinking, way and I mean WAY deep down, that why should anyone bother???There is damage now that I cannot undo with a healthy lifestyle when 'well.' When does wellness hit? At one time with Cushing's, I knew I could get back to where I started from physically at least to many degrees, if not all. But now I watch Dr. 90210 and I see me. Me in these women who have lost 100 pounds and have all that extra skin. And reductions and lifts. And i'm like *** I need that. For me. It isn't even strictly vanity it's for health reasons and for my own damn self and DAMNIT I deserve that! Cause this isn't from overeating, this isn't even all FAT and scars. it's the total lack of ability to develop muscle that won't go to waste from the high cortisol levels.... it's the irreversible damage of what steroids have done to me.And I know, I'm usually so happy... really... kinda. But this is not FAIR and it makes me ***ing ANGRY. And no one knows what to say. And I don't blame them. But please, don't tell me I just need a man to love me true to feel better. Yes, it is nice and makes me feel better when in truth how the hell is that even rational thinking? It isn't. Yes, I can be loved even desired as I am. But I know I will always want those surgeries no matter the cost and the risks. Because I deserve that much at least. I do. I'm worth all that I can grab onto in this life and I know it. I have so much love to give, to everyone, but especially to a loved one, a man. I don't believe in living life without sharing it with someone else. Not when it comes along.I want the cushie God to give me a free pass to Dr. Li in LA. She cares. She would make me look better and feel better outside and in.[looks above] Do you hear me? This is all I ask of you. Give me hope.

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