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You have to start somewhere



OMG, I?m blogging now!!! What next? I never thought I would be putting my inner most thoughts on the web for people to see. Actually, I doubt anyone will read this but it helps to think someone might. Its OK to scream into the darkness as long as you think someone might hear. The screaming into your own head is what messes you up.


I have this rule about talking with my family:


20% about me

20% about my husband / son or whoever I am talking to

10% about family

50% about anything else


That brought me through some rough times without seriously screwing up my kids. My mother was so focused on her marital problems she never seemed to realize that I existed and I didn?t want to do that to my family. But lets face it this is rough stuff to deal with and I?m more focused on it than I want to be.


I?ve been sick for so long that I sometimes forget that I will feel better or that everyone doesn?t feel the same way I do. Yep, that?s me taking charge because all the well people must be too sick to cope. I am seriously type A aren?t I? I really need a place to whine. I need a 100% me place and a journal is no good because lets face it: Being brave is a lot more fun when you can brag about it. Yes, I know that isn?t the point but it does help to keep track.


?Today I didn?t complain about how badly I was hurting and cancel the trip to take the puppies to the vet. Instead, I toughed it out and hauled all 60lbs of puppy flesh into the car so my husband didn?t have to do it alone.?


Now if someone reads that and knows about the nausea, dizziness, vertigo and pain and they say ?Yes taking two 30lb puppies to the vet when you feel bad is a sacrifice.? then I will feel vindicated and even if no one reads it the chance is there that someone might so my good deed might not go unnoticed. But I do not want to go to my husband complaining about how I did something good because I wanted him to be pleased with me. Then he would try to keep me from doing it again. I know how my hubby is, he?d have me on the sofa all day trying to protect me and that is not good for me or him. I need to believe that he couldn?t get the puppies to the vet without me. That makes it easier to fight. They need me so I have to get well.


So how am I today? The hump hurts and my chest feels funny. I feel somewhat ill but not so bad. My fasting sugar was 123 this morning which is better than yesterday morning?s 152 but still out of kilter when you think that last night my after dinner reading was in the 90s. Apparently hunger makes my sugar go up and eating pasta is the cure. The perfect form of diabetes. LOL Only I?m not diabetic or I wasn?t until recently as I tested negative less than a year ago.


I am however beginning to buy into the Cushing?s idea. All the symptoms fit. I don?t know whether to be relieved or not. All the rest and now this too. I do have my limits and I am getting tired but in the end it is just one more obstacle to surmount.


That train of thought won?t get any more positive so I am going to end here for today.


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