I play poker almost every weeknight. Texas Hold'em. I really enjoy playing, and am pretty good if I do say so myself. I like going there because for a few hours I feel half-way normal, I get to flirt and joke, and be young. Lately though I have been very exhausted and my muscles have been very sore, so I have been using my wheelchair a lot. People then look at me a lot different. You know I don't want people's pity, and when I am using the chair, for some reason I become even more stubbornly independent. I don't want people to help me, and would rather struggle to do something than take someone's assistance I know, stupid, huh? It is like it is my statement that the only thing this disease hasn't taken from me is my independence, my dignity. Tonight I didn't need the wheelchair but my brain just didn't want to work. I was in such a fog, but was in a good mood, and the guys I was playing with realized that if they kept me talking I couldn't do two things at once and I went out pretty quick. It was fine, and I just gave them a hard time of taking advantage of the "disabled"! I actually have opened up to some people about what is going on in my life and have made some new friends. I just look around though, at everyone else my age, and they are married, and have kids, and I go every night by myself, and there are some nights where I feel so alone.

So, I came home tonight, and my 10 y/o neighbor has been sick with strep since this weekend. She has had 48 hours of antibiotics, so I felt safe going over and checking on her. She had called me yesterday saying she had really bad cold sores all over her mouth, so I suggested to her mom she buy some L-Lysine and call her pediatrician. When I called to check on her this morning, her mom had still not bought her the medicine, which costs a whole $2.75. Her mother "said" she called the doctor, and that he said the medicine for her throat would help her face. I am not sure if she really didn't call, or the doctor is just not that great, but antibiotics don't work on the HSV-I virus that causes cold sores. So I bought the L-Lysine after my game and took it over to her, and when I saw how bad her face looks I was disgusted with her parents. She can't even open her mouth because there are sores around the corners of both sides of her mouth and she says there are sores on the inside of her mouth, gums and tongue. She refused to swallow the big pill, and didn't like the taste of it crushed, and it was late, so we will have to work on getting the medicine down tomorrow morning. But while I was attending to my neighbor and comforting her in bed, her mom just turned out her own bedroom light and went to sleep. It just makes me so sad everyday that this little girl lives like this. I wish I was cured right now so I could file a private petition for custody, and we could move somewhere far away and start a new life over. But for now I just take care of her, protect her, guide her, teach her, and pray.

Here is a song I heard the other day that I decided to make the new anthem of my life, I am standing my ground! It is by Natalie Grant.

"Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child

I have acted out

I have questioned Sovereignty

And had my share of doubt

And though sometimes my prayers feel like

They're bouncing off the sky

The hand I hold won't let me go

And is the reason why...

[Chorus:]

I will stumble

I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes

I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart

Many times before

My life has been like broken glass

And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed

That I was far too gone

My brokenness helped me to see

It's grace I'm standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life

Has been a badge I've worn

Though I have been torn

I will not be moved

[Chorus]