I put up some recent pics of my beautiful grandson, Tyler on my Myspace if anyone wants to see. He is getting so big. He is almost 9 months old now.

As for me, I can't say much other than I have been feeling pretty rough lately. The speech problems and the pain is the worst of it although the weight gain is taking a toll on my self esteem. I gained another 5 pounds this week.

Not much I can do except keep pushing the doctors for answers and finding another neurologist and endocrinologist for a second opinion.

I know I have mental problems but there is a physical cause and I won't stop until they find it. Their psychiatric drugs make no difference. I still continue to get worse. Except for the Cymbalta helps me deal with it a little better.

I've been through a lot of rough times and always tried to push forward. Since this illness started, I am so completely helpless. I hope to eventually find a cure and work and drive and love again.

I remember wanting to run off to New York to go get better. Now I am here and a year later I am still looking for answers. At least I am lucky enough to have insurance though. Eventually they have to find what is wrong with me.

I try to avoid feeling like my life is over but it gets harder and harder to believe otherwise the longer it takes to get an answer.

Monday I go for the dex test for Cushing's disease. This one is really important and if it shows something could prove the doctors wrong about mental illness causing my problems. I am praying really hard for suggestive results on this one.

I will stop every medicine I am on for three days before so there is no interference on this test. The doctors didn't tell me to but I know better. I did that on the last one too and got a relatively high number. I just don't want the doctors to turn around and say it was my medications causing the high results. With no medications there is no excuse for them to say that. But they still like saying stress.

Social Security is taking so long. Sometimes I think this waiting is never going to end. The state help should come in in the next two weeks hopefully. I've been over two months without an income now. I owe Mom a bunch of money at this point. She's not worried about it but I am.

I am glad to not be seeing anyone right now. I don't need the stress of trying to please someone who keeps getting angry at me and embarrassed of me for things I cannot help right now. It's much more peaceful being alone.I can focus on what I need to do for me. The biggest drawbacks are lonliness and boredom but that's not as bad as being in a relationship.

I am rambling but I have a lot going on and really can't express it other than in writing.

I am in a pretty good mood tonight.

I hope everyone had a great day.