It's me. Adrienne. I see it's been almost two years since I've posted in here. AMAZING. Wow. How time flies when you're on Methadone and Hydromorphone!!! No really.
I am working again on trying to come back to the online world. I am so lonely without it. It's great to have hooked up with Paula again. I hope we can get to know each other better through emails: I miss having a fellow Cushing's survivor to talk to, and I really miss having ANYONE to talk to. And the people I've met here arent just ANYONE they're extra special super duper wonderful peeps. Yeah.
I do indeed want to write. Maybe more fiction for once you know? I was just starting out writing short stories. I want to explore so much the whole online world, having information at your fingertips, well it's truly intoicating. Thrilling. At least that's how i used to feel. I dont think it'll ever be able to hole my attention as it once did-- i used to be so naive, especially for someone my age. Now im jaded if anyone ever is. But there's hours...
Lots of hours to go through. Many hours in a day. I need to fill them somehow with more than just reading, tv, day dreaming. There are so many people I need to help, to educate about these steroids and the newly defined diagnosis of Steroid Withdrawl Syndrome, SWS. DOctors arent even aware of this! So my goal is to get my site up. Not because the world needs another website I mean everything cushings is here... but there is this SWS and I can help others suffering through it as I am. NEarly every cushie will at some point need steroids... or wil have taken them at one point, I mean. The symptoms suck and the confusion they cause insidious like a foul poison seeping through our ranks. Anyways, just saying there's things i want to DO.
Ive been on bedrest for a year. Its been just 1 year of the past 4 that ive actually been in bed most of the day, resting my thrashed back and my necrotic hips. It takes a lot to keep me down like that. A lot of meds. Doctors not wanting to give me Xanax nowadays cause they are newly licensed unable to understand i wont kill myself with my meds i mean im still here and im slowly improving right? But seeing a psychiatrist she says she's gonna speak to him... try to help me. She will probably be able to prescribe it for me in the coming months. I think. Maybe. I mean i can buy them myself on the internet i just HATE going against doctors orders or doing something not honest ha. I shouldnt care.
But yeah so basically i have to put together a big desk in a new armoire ($150.00) amazing deal but i cant sit on the floor to put it together. Argh! SO been putting it off. Anyways my ma says she'l put it together for me for Christmas. I should have my desk and chair rigged up so i can keep my legs up. GOT to do that.
I just have to go slow. Eveyrthing is SO slow now. I ve always been so fast fast fast i talk fast i type fast i think fast. But ive been so slowed by cushings and the meds. SO I will be back, blogging here and posting some and learning how to setup my website. Hopefully learning how to be social again.Ha.
God willing. Oh yeah, anyone curious? I've gone these past 4 years and found God. Course He was always there it was me who was missing... missing the peace that true inner bible based God based Jesus based faith, not man faith or a one verse preacher. I go to church from my bed-- on tv. NOT an evangelist either... his name is Pastor Arnold Murray, from the Shepherd's Chapel Network. All i know is they have their own satellite in space lol they transmit to over 1 million homes, all over the world. America, China, Canada, India i think just so many places. Well he's teaching me the bible simply by reading it word for word. SO I am learning the bible but just as importantly I am learning HISstory in what I am reading, explaining it to me. To millions. Just a man, a camera, and a bible. That's it. DISH network here in Oregon I dunno is channel 216; also 9407 sometimes. I've believed since i was 14 but i had no idea what i believed other than what i FELT. Now... I have such an inner peace, cause all the things i've researched in new age books and so on for YEARS just make sense now. I found that my ideals fit right in with what the bible says. And i had so many misconceptions. Been taught the wrong thing in the few times I had ANY exposure to religion. Anyways. Im a good student. Just frustrating not to have anyone to talk to.
And still there is the reason for the season... that is, i had to disappear because i needed NO STRESS even good stress it was making me so sick. So much sicker than i should have been. All part of both cvushings AND Steroid Withdrawl Syndrome. So i know i have to take it easy. But im much better at speaking my mind now. I can say I HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU or I HAVE TO GO NOW i mean i never realized how absolutely MEEK i was. And no men allowed lol. A relationship is not what i need now.
I feel that in five years i'll be BETTER than i am now. THis is the first time ive really had enough hope to believe the future will be better than the present. Just this inner peace and worry that's been washed away. Dunno. But it's long overdue. I should have read much more than Genesis years ago! BUt it was college literature classes that gave me the skills to read such complicated diction etc. and to make sense of it.
See. If i knew i would sit here and write all this i would have replie to Paula tonight. Sorry Paula! But you get the picture and i just got online and saw your lovely message tonight so im letting you know im getting my butt in gear!
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