I didn't realise these blogs were still up and running...its been such a long time since I last posted something and so much has happened inbetween. 2009 has ben such a year of changes...it's been a big step for me personally and I seem to have come full circle in a lot of things in my life. Having Cushings has caused me so much loss and depression and anxiety of where life will take me me. Would I live to a ripe od age, would I see my son get married and have kids, would I ever get back to normal health again, would I regain a career I had loved and lost, would I ever be a resemblance of me again.
I think I have changed, I have grown, I have got older, maybe not as wiser as I had hoped ;-) but I have matured in my outlook on life and how to live my life. I have made many mistakes, some which may end up haunting me and others that I have learnt from and moved on from. I have constantly reflected on what was, what is and what could be...which can be a good and a bad thing. I have faced many of my demons head on and discovered that all those worries and concerns I had were hollow and I feel I have wasted alot of time worrying about things for no reason whatsoever. I went back to a place I had worked a long time ago, faced friends who knew I had been seriously ill and never contacted me. At that point of my life I discovered who were real friends and who were acquaintancies...that was a hard pill to swallow for me. But nonethe less I faced them again and discovered it wasn't so bad. That made me realise that we all have our own lives and sometimes our lives seem so much more bigger and important than others and we can forget that and think to ourselves that no one cares - when in fact they do, but in their own way.
I went back to a career that I had loved and lost in all this madness. It has been a struggle for me to get there, but I did it and I am at a good place in my career. I still have that ball of ambition in my belly but it has been reined in a bit and only surfaces when I let it. I need stability in my life now and calm...I have gone through too much chaos over the past 7 years and right now this is what is right for me.
I am living where I want to be. It is a good place. We still need to make it our own...finances still dictate our lives but less so then they did now. It is a better place to be.
I still have my ups and downs health wise but it is much more controlled than it was. There still isn't a day that I feel well, there is always something but it is liveable...it isn;t crazy anymore and I feel like I can be a wife and a Mother...that makes me happy...that makes me who I am.
When I said I had come full circle I really mean it. I started out with a good life, good health, a growing family and a good career...I got ill...I lost everything except for me family who supported me all the way...as a family we struggled and fought our way through some tough times...we worked hard...we had goals...I never lost sight of what would be at the end...we're not there yet but we have regained alot of what we lost and more so...as a family it has made us incredibly strong, having lived through what a chronic illness can do to someone...its amazing actually how resilient people can be, how forgiving, how much strength can be drawn from incredible weakness and times of pain.
I don't know what 2010 will bring...my husband asked me what my New Years Resolutions were and to be honest, I don't know...to live and breathe another year is the most important thing...to be with the ones I love...I look around sometimes and listen to others, watch the news, read the papers, check out facebook...so much is going on, not all of it is good. I sometimes thinks some of these people need to face some bad times to make them assess their lives and appreciate all they have. We live in a very materialistic World rightn now and the appreciation for some things has been lost. I find that sad. I 'm not going to stand on some moral soap box right now and I am not saying I wish bad things on other people. I just wish that some of us can take time out and step back from ourselves and our lives and look at the bigger picture. Sometimes I think being ill helped me to do that and there are moments when my life isn;t chaos and work and looking after the family, the housework, school projects, gardening when I just smile and think, it's going to be OK....