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Szam?r Mad?r 6/23/2010


HanHen3

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Wed. June 23 2010

 

I guess before i start i should tell you what Szam?r Mad?r means. It is a dutch phrase that literally translates to "Donkey Bird" but means "stupid bird". I don't speak dutch or know much about the culture either, i only know this phrase because it is the title of a song by Venetian Snares, a breakcore master and one of my favorite bands.

 

Anyway, I must confess that I have never written a blog. Haven't ever really kept a diary either. I tend to want to keep my very deepest thoughts and feelings to myself. If you write them down or post them online your giving someone, somewhere the key to your mind. I don't like that idea. Adn I'm nto saying that i don't speak my mind, because i do I just can't stop myself. But the truley personal and deep beliefs I try to keep to myself. (Key word :TRY) So this blog will probably be an edited version of myself.

 

I've created this blog for one reason and one reason only: So i can remember. I have alot of memory issues. Although i remember every book and movie i've ever read and can identify them as such in under 2 seconds, and although my brain is like a sponge and is filled with alot of information, i cannot remember my childhood, or even things that happened the week before. I cannot remember what i said yesterday or how i felt. I remember emotions towards things but rarely the reason for those emotions. Hopefully this will allow me to document myself.

 

Wow. Looking back to just yesterday I realize how self-centered and typically human that paragraph was. And after reading so many posts and stories about the inadequacies in the medical field I came to the wonderful realization that I might have something to share. Just maybe all the pain i've experienced and learned from can help other people avoid those same pit falls. So... On that note I dedicate this blog to everyone out there who can benefit from my experiences, cushing suffers or not. I think we all have something we can pass on to another person and this is my attempt at doing so.

 

I had this same thought last night after reading about the mental problems alot of cushies suffer from. Although i don't know much about cushing's I do know quite alot about people and the mind/psyche. So i thought why not share the things i've learned with other people who could benefit from it too. So i posted this: Words From a Mental Veteran It is six tips that i think will help people suffering from all kinds of mental conditions and even people that arn't.

 

All last night after posting it I was scared that people would think I was trying to be bossy or a know-it-all. (My mother constantly fusses at me that I lecture everyone about things, and not in a pleasant way) So i was really worried that on the second day after joining this community I would oust myself as the total b*tch I am and no one would like me anymore. I imagined an internet community banning together with Java script pitchforks and torches to drive me out. :)

 

and then i woke up this morning and checked responses to my post. Expecting the worst and dreading the beginning of the end. And lo and behold a very nice woman: jennyr responded. She said very kind things and made me realize that all was not lost and that maybe, just maybe. I really could help people out. So kudose to you jennyr! And thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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