SleepyTimeTea

I have accomplished nothing much. I hadn't kept up on this forum and should have done a lot more. I now know I weigh more than a whopping 440 lbs because I couldn't even weigh on this one scale my friend just bought for herself. I need to find out if this is some kind of medical condition caused by something abnormal or if this is weight I can lose and have just gained and gained easily over the years. It is going to be even harder now. I am following weight watchers and will start swimming this week, but aside from that the medical testing will have to start all over again because I hardly got a start on it in the first place. I can only pray to God to give me strength and patience. In the end, I believe all will work out. God bless.

I have no idea what I am doing here, but thought I would at least say hello. Last year I went bananas before Christmas from my OCD which I hate with a passion. I never did find out what was wrong because I never followed up on tests. I just turned 33 this past August. I cannot believe it had already been almost a year or so since I had been on here posting. Maybe this next year will be more fruitful. I can always hope.

Dear self, Today has been filled with some moments of happiness. Despite all my struggles I am still alive and kicking here. I am lonely. That is always the hardest part. Yes, I am blessed to have hubby, but I am still lonely. I miss my best friend Mikki. But, I have no idea where she went. My other friend, well she obviously does not want to be friends with me anymore because I am too fat, or because she changed religions, or who knows what. Oh well, such is life. I miss Mikki most of all. Here I am, stuck here almost every day and it gets so old. I thank God for the internet and being able to write because if not I would be more than half insane by now. Tomorrow my mom is having her third surgery on her sinuses. This time she has an infection that is completely fungal. I am hoping and praying to God that this will go away. I am going with her this time. She is picking me up tomorrow, and then we are getting my Dad from work and going straight to Beaumont. God be with us please so this goes well. I am scared and worried about my mom, more than I am about my own health. I feel paralyzed in life by all that is going on, yet I still am here. I think I have lost a total of 10 lbs, but it is hard to say with a dial scale that I have that only goes up to 300lbs. But I can generally tell it is going down if nothing else even if the actual weight is not accurage. Goodbye for now... michelle

I have a sink full of dishes. I managed to sweep the floor today. But I have felt too weak and down to do much else. Scooped out the cat box and hubby dumped that out in the dumpster. I have been feeling stranger by the minute lol. I dunno anymore how to describe how I feel, except it is hard sometimes. I am not terribly depressed today, just don't feel up to much. I have been a little lonely and wondering what has happened to a couple of my overseas pen pals from online. My one friend/email pen pal is in the UAE and she is an intern at a hospital. She had bene going through some rough stuff lately and I am hoping she is ok. My other friend/email pen pal is going through a breakup and is going through too much as well. I don't even know why I am babbling. Aside from that, I am doing really well following my weight watchers points. I didn't get all of them in yesterday though, and we need more fruits in the house since we have run out.

Who after so many years of being heavy tried many ways to lose weight including things that people only assume that really skinny people do. She had ups and downs and some successes only to fail and fail again. She thought about trying to starve herself and even had fasted here and there. Now she sits today trying once again to gain control because she really doesn't know if she will be able to lose weight even by eating healthy...but it is possible. So she is trying to maintain a healthy balance instead of self destructive behaviour... Some day...this woman would like to be healthy and at a healthy weight...like once upon a time...

YEAH! I went to bed before 4 am... It is a miracle and I was up at 8 am. I would have slept in longer but our cats are too noisty. Maybe I am finally getting somewhere with getting back on a somewhat "normal schedule". I am still tired yes, but at least I am up with the sun and not going to bed with it. I may just have to start taking a small nap mid day to help with the crazy fatigue. Not much planned today, just gonna spend some time with hubby

Thank God it is Friday...my hubby said that too this morning as he took off on the bike to go to work. We both are just hoping to spend some time together, without excess baloney and exhaustion. I am still trying to normalize my sleeping schedule. Got sick a bit yesterday afternoon with the room spinning and fatigue hitting me like a ton of bricks...even before I had to take some benadryl. Needless to say that messed me up still. I am going to try to sleep just a little while this morning and wait up till the evening. I have got to get this straightened out. Made hubby breakfast to eat here, and lunch to take to work. I am going to try to start making sure I do this every day he goes to work...at least his lunch. Mom might come by today so I can give her a little money cuz she is broke broke broke. It is so hard the economy here in this state. I am trying to be positive and believe that her surgery this time will work for her infection. I am also working on being positive that this appointment next week will be productive, and I will get results. I am trying to keep the negative thoughts pushed away, and when they come I think them out or write them down. It is really all I can do for now...

Yeah, nothing much going on here. But, I am hoping to be able to at least get the dishes cleaned up since I am not so weak and sore today oh and make a decent supper for us. The weather is nice, and it is quiet here. At least it makes for a peaceful day.

I learned from my mother yesterday that my brother found some nephrologist at one of the bigger hospitals around here that may have been actually decent. Considering the luck and lack of help I have had from the one I just saw, and the one I had before...it figures. THIS nephrologist supposedly told my brother that he/she though my brother had CUSHINGS! because of a buffalo hump and other symptoms. According to my mother, my brother does not believe he could have Cushings. THERE is something wrong with my poor brother. Despite his and mine inability to get along most ouf our lives, he has a lot in common with more...more than anyone in my family...including the girth. I really hope for his sake he can find out what the heck is going on. If he ends up liking this nephrologist, maybe I will go see them. First, I have to get to the endo.

SELF DOUBT And reasoning Are incompatible in my life Irrational fears are rational now For loss has been at every turn I survive... That is all I do For my basic needs are almost met But never completely met I survive I keep hanging on to the thread Somewhere in my heart Somewhere in my dreams There is a beautiful tree in a meadow That I long to hold on to I long to reach out for But it is not tangible The green leaves turning up toward the sun By a river This tree is never thirsty, never hungry, never lonely Even though it stands alone It never experiences self-doubt The picture is oh so dim It still lingers Balm or hinderance I cannot decide For my beleaguered, weary soul.

Thank you Lydia, even though it is not my b day anymore. I welcome your wishes for a better year with much progress. HUGS

Some days, I just don't think I can keep goin on like this. And there are some other things so completely out of my control that are affecting my health too, and I want to toss them out the window. ENOUGH SAID

I am going to be 32 on Thursday. I will be saying some extra prayers for Gracie before and on the day she has surgery. I could care less about my birthday...another day older and a dollar short. So, I hope and pray it will be a new day for Gracie and that would be the best thing. Today, I am a bit slow. Feeling apprehensive and a bit irritable. I just haven't been sleeping normally and it is tiring.

Yep, Here I am wide awake. I have a headache again and why could that be...perhaps because I have cut way down on the magnesium. It keeps the headache and neckache in check. I slept a lot though the last few days because I think I am worn out. I am up for now though and managed to finally get all the dishes washed and made supper last night. Hubby really liked it. I will have to do a few more that we had from dinner. You would not think that something so simple could be such a pain. I want to see the doctor this week, but I do not know how I am going to get there. My mom can probably take me Friday to the Nephrologist, but I need to get into my PCP and we just don't have the money really. I hope the temp job hubby was at calls him back this week. God, I can only pray. I want to feel better soon so I can do something with my life. JEEZ On a positive note, I am going to spend some time reading my Bible which I have not done in awhile.

Finally, after mega supplementation...meaning more than normal for even me...I feel a little better than recently. It is always such an up and down thing that I hate it. I made a nephrologist appointment for next Friday but I am not holding my breath. I hope my mom can take me or that I can get the bus to come to our apartment but I have to give advance notice. I have some cleaning to do, but all I did was wash a load of laundry so far. I made a quick throw together meal which was hubby's first meal of the day since he slept until 3pm. I have to wash a load of dishes...erghhh. Tonight I will have to take more mag, and I had a couple of potassiums and some gatorade already today. That seemed to fix some of this for now. LADIDA!

I love and I live I always try to forgive I must put God first more often My heart I must soften I must learn to adapt I must find where I've snapped Repairing the past The tears that outlast The resolve that I find Yet dissolves in my mind For each new day brings terror And my own human error I love and I live Myself I cannot forgive Myself I do not forget I haven't given up yet I don't want to fight anymore This internal war This infernal nightmare While awake I must fight there. NO more feverish nights NO more inexplainable fright NO more unrefreshing sleep NO more abyss that's too deep I want freedom from this I want a sweet dream with a kiss To wake me up from this pain To revive me again I want to be loved and accepted Not shunned or rejected TO be heard with validation TO be filled with elation.

Being positive enough Hoping enough Worrying enough Analyzing things enough Maybe I am thinking too much Worrying too much Cryin too much Maybe I am just a little bit worn A little bit frustrated A little bit hopeless Maybe I am absolutely exhausted Tired of trying Tired of hurtin Maybe I am definitely buried Beneath a pile of ashes Beneath years of disgrace Beneath countless ambiguities Perhaps I can get out of this mess Perhaps I can find someone who cares Perhaps I am still alive Perhaps... Or maybe I am not sure.

I slept 6 hours almost straight last into the morning except for having to get up once. I also was so tired today, that later on I had to lay down. My heart felt funny, almost fluttering so I took some magnesium early afternoon, and some potassium just now. I am still getting weak and shakey and I think this is the problem, but I am going to try to treat myself since I have no guidelines, no diagnosis, and no one to really back me up except to just nod their heads (bobble bobble). I went and tried to find out what people with magnesium deficiencies need to do to maintain decent levels of magnesium on a daily basis. I am going to start higher and break it up two to three times a day. I am not sure if that will work or not. I got too tired to keep trying to find information. I wanted to write more, but I am already whipped. My husband and the other guys at his temp job were sent home at the end of the day with no work ticket for tomorrow. The boss took my husband aside and supposedly he would be the only temp worker called back, but I am not going to hold my breath with the state and the economy the way it is. I am trying not to be upset. We already have had enough happen in the past 6 months to knock us down.

When I crave you I cannot resist While you are sitting there and you insist When I am not even hungry but pickles beckon Or the Red Hot sauce is a quick fix I reckon Please let me go, instead of calling my name I have dreamt of you when I feel insane Now I have been good, and tried to limit The food I eat, and how much of you is in it But then I may crash, and unexpectedly so It sets me adrift like a raft to-and-fro It is not fair, for I do not comprehend What is wrong with me, my salty friend.

Yawn...I need some more sleep. Slept 3 hours, got up and made hubby lunch and cleaned up a few dishes. Was feelin not too badly last night so I got some cooking done and made chicken to bring to mom's today. I just have to cook the veggies and the rice. I made low sodium tacos yesteday and used made soup with the meat juice with veggies and some salt. I didn't keep it too low, but it is much better than store bought. Had a good bowl of that soup just now with some added nutritional yeast and some toastettes (like bagel chips). I am trying to eat healthy as possible and fill up on things like soup. I had a a nectarine too. I am afraid I will never lose weight, and being weak and tired does not help. But, I am not doing too badly and am glad for the respite of not having a funny heartbeat all the time, but I still am having episodes of this despite the new medicine. I wish I could get my doctor to run a holter monitor for 24 hours. I just have no way to get down there right now. Maybe I will take a cab and go see him in a few days. Might be my best bet. Yawn...back to bed in a few...

While I slept a few hours or so I am sure you never let me go I may not feel well, and may be sad But with you near tis not so bad I would like to find the joy and peace You've promised me with pure release So please be my comforter and my life Take away this wanderer's strife Your light is like a lullaby To ever human passerby Your majesty so inconceivable Your awesomeness is unbelieveable I am nothing and I have no right To ask for much but in your sight We are precious no matter how weak and worn We are your treasure and in you are reborn So, Good Morning Lord I sing inside Good morning Lord, my Holy Guide Keep me in your arms Oh Lord For you are enough as my reward.

I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for food in my mouth I am thankful for the things we have I am thankful for God above, and Jesus ultimate sacrifice I am thankful we didn't break down in the middle of the night far away from the hospital. At least we were close enough hubby could push the car back to the parking lot. I am thankful my father is helping us out right now by taking us to the store if we need to go and for him having the car towed today even though I am paying him back for it. I am thankful for my family, my husband, and my pets. I am thankful for the health that I do have.

I am trying hard not to think about this one nurse at the ER the other night, but I gotta write it down. Now I do not know if I have Cushings...and I always say this. I know something is not right and it cannot only be explained by PCOS because that would not cause me to have muscle weakness, twitching, and electrolyte problems. I believe something is wrong with my adrenal glands just because of how many things I was wasting when they did this one 24 hour urine test months ago, despite having normal blood electrolyte levels. When I mentioned that my doctor was concerned because of the normetanephrine levels, and I was in the ER for a racing heart, pounding head, and high blood pressure...and flank pain of unknown origin which never is resolved. It is not a muscle pull...and what do they expect to see on my kidneys with an x ray! Anyways, I casually mentioned to this nurse that my doctor was concerned about cushings or maybe a tumor because...and she cut me off saying "Honey I hate to disappoint you but there is no way you have Cushings, or something like that.." What is wrong with these people? First of all, I do not need a reason for why I am fat and am not looking for one. That is the impression I get. If I am heavy by my own doing, I am more than willing to accept that...but I am eating healthier than I ever have been! I had lost weight on metformin, then all of a sudden 60 lbs came back in over 6 months or less and still is creeping up despite increased activity and watching what I eat. There were other things the nurse said and did that really made her look like a show off and not a nurse. I will say that most nurses are not like this and they have always been helpful, intelligent, and modest. This tiny little speedy gonzales can take her opinions somewhere else. I didn't need her bull on top of my bp being high. In retrospect, I cannot believe the audacity of how at a simple mention of this disorder, someone could act so immaturely. I feel sorry for the people here dealing with this on a chronic basis. I have too many other fish too fry. God keep me strong willing...

I was on for a short time last night after having been in bed for awhile from a headache that has been going on for 4 days...amidst dealing with dizzyness, thirst, weakness, heart racing, and flank pain. I felt that my blood pressure was up, and I took one of my older atenolols hoping it would help. It helped my heart rate, but not my bp. So, we went to the local ER, and I was hoping they would be able to help for my headache and dizzyness. They gave me a blood pressure pill, a script for that, did some x rays of my chest and abdomen that turned out fine, and sent me home. Well, my husband and I went to go home...but our car stopped moving. My husband had to push it back into the parking lot while I turned the wheel. We think the transmission decided to die on us...the engine is running but the car wont move forward or backwards. So, we called a cab. I don't know how we are going to afford to get it towed back here. We certainly cannot get it fixed. I was supposed to take dinner to my mom's today, but now I don't know if that will change. Thank God I am home safe and sound with my husband. There is a local bus for things that we need. I cannot drive anyways. I pray that God will help me through this obstacle too and forgive me for my mood swings and harsh words as of late. Happy Sunday...