SleepyTimeTea

Nothing is ever good enough Everything seems so strange My sight, my taste, and sense of smell are off My hearing is either too acute or somewhat strained My head it keeps on pounding Like a bullseye between the eyes Sometimes my heart does not beat quite right And there is nothing "Right" about my size When I awake, I am so parched and sick Only cold drinks at this time will suit my thirst When I try to sleep, I feel to restless If I don't run to "John" I might burst. My head it sometimes seems to be spinning Or the room is spinning too When nothing is ever good enough What good can I do? I have to make sure I eat the right amount of salt, or I get weak and worse off than before Then sometimes I end up overdoing it And cannot get up off the floor. When I have too much, it makes my BP go up Whatever I drink I seem to lose So dehydrated sometimes I cannot cry a tear and I hate to wear most shoes. Nothing is ever good enough I am driving myself insane Nothing is every good enough I need some help for my burdened brain I guess I have no choice but to survive But I cannot help but feel somewhat sad Because when things were always good enough Twas the best life I ever had.

Thank God it is Friday. I can at least be thankful for that. I called this endo I am supposed to see and scheduled a tentative appointment for Sept. 2, or third...I gotta call back and find out which day since I forgot to write it down...at 10:30 am. I still have to figure out how I will get there, since I don't know if my mom is working that day. If my husband is still having his temp work, he will have to take off and they may not ask him back. I do not have a choice. I have got to get to the doctor. I called DHS today to get things taken care of and between their main office, and the local county where I live in now...neither one was any help. So, I put in another call to my old worker who has not transferred my case, and left a message...then wrote a stern letter of complaint/need of help and set in online through the website. WE shall see if that does a heap of good lol. This may sound negative, but I got a few calls made today and at least finally got a little more rest. I am going to try to enjoy my weekend, and do whatever I can to keep busy. Hopefully, I can see my mom and dad this weekend, and hubby and I can spend some quality time together. We gotta do our normal weekly cleaning routine too. Nothing much more than that...

Well, I wouldn't want to exactly describe myself as moody as much as frustrated and exhausted from what seems to be my bp being up and my heart racing. I really need a bp cuff for home. Everyone here has been so helpful and accepting, even though I really have no idea what is wrong and I cannot say I have Cushing's or that I think I do. I wonder what is wrong, and it is a possibility along with God only knows. I am working very hard at watching my salt still, but it is so hard for me when I crave it some days more than others. We had roasted potatoes for dinner and a burger earlier. The burger was from McDonald's and that kills half the salt for the day at least. I am not so bloated today thank God, and I am having a nice big cup of sweet tea to hopefully take off the rest of the water I have on my legs. The last time I took a triamterine months ago, it was so hard on me, that I couldn't stand or get dressed, so that one will be something I cannot do. Caffeine is hard on my heart, but tea within reason once in a great while helps with some of the swelling. I get it on and off in my hands and on my shins. I have had a problem with water retention since I was about 15 or so. Never really knew why. I feel better than earlier, but so I have stayed hydrated and that seems to change easily. I have got to take care of some important paperwork tomorrow and I have not done it. I gotta call Blue Cross and see if they will still let me make a premium payment with my several month overdue balance...because I cannot pay it all and they will drop me eventually. Being broke sucks, but we can only do what we can do. Aside from that, on a positive note, I am going to try to make lemons from lemonade. The seitan last night was not too bad for a first try making it, and in the next week I might attempt homemade tofu. Maybe eventually I will attempt to make fake veggie cheese. That might be difficult. Not turning vegan any time soon, but I am trying to be creative and add healthy things in to our diet here at home. At least hubby is pretty flexible with stuff like that. He loved the seitan I cooked, and I think he liked the texture more than I did! Well, I am gonna attempt at putting some pictures of me up even though I am scared because of my weight.

HI, Shelly. I just wanted to say your story is very well written and moving. I myself can offer no advise because I am in the same boat, but have not gone so far down the road yet with testing for Cushing's. I have been sick for a long time and dealt with a lot of doctors. Have you seen an immunologist for your infections? As far as for the other things, hopefully you will find an angel who will help you too. Peace Michelle

Picked up my new script for the acth test, but when I asked the girl at the desk about the 24 hour cortisol and if they were gonna run one, she said the doctor had been very busy today with patients and that she left the information on his desk. So, we shall see. I really hope he orders one. I personally do not have a single clue what is going on anyways. There is just something not right .

Well, I was up late last night talking to some awesome folks on this forum on chat. I got up the nerve to call the doctor's office and ask for a new script for the ACTH test I lost, and requested a 24 hour urine for cortisol. But, they called back and only mentioned the blood test script being ordered so I gotta go pick it up today. I tried to be non-pushy but assertive. I just don't want to irritate anyone just starting out. My heart seemed to be racing last night quite a bit still, but it seems a little better today. I just got done eating a salad. Gonna work on eating healthier again, and sticking between 1800-2400 mgs of salt until I find out if I can go under. I cannot eat more than that though either it seems. At least I finally got some sleep today and didn't wake up till 1:30pm. That was a blessing in disguise.

I feel pretty badly. It started this afternoon with what I will call an awful episode that I have been having more often than not, and it seems to happen more upon waking after sleeping at night or whenever. My heart felt like it was going to run away from me and I felt so shaky and almost paranoid. I do have a lot of worries, but I am not sure which is causing which. I woke up like this feeling like I had a fever. I don't think I had one, but I felt so nauseous and dehydrated. This continued even though I managed to fold some clothes and vacuum a little bit and make the bed. Hubby got home and we went on a few errands and got some powerade. When we got back, needless to say...I lost my cool with him. I cannot blame him for all of it, because I had already been agitated. It just comes down to the basic same old same old sometimes and I just feel like he never listens to me, but I really lost it. I was so angry and said things I did not mean and I feel so badly about it. It didn't last long, but I feel like such a bad wife and such a failure. I could only apologize even though I had voiced my opinion and made him feel bad. I can only pray for forgiveness and hope that he won't hold this against me as I cannot hold things against him. I just am not able to handle any stress at all. I just want to crawl in a hole sometimes away from me and everyone else. I am managing barely. What else can I do? Just keep going I guess.