sickofbeingsick

People, I am getting so tired. Its almost that time of the month, on top of all of my regular symptoms its just absolutely wretched. Its not as bad as it used to be, since its actually disappearing, but the hormones get worse nonetheless. I'm so emotional and I've cried twice today for no reason. I hate not feeling in control of even something of as simple as whether I smile or frown. Whether I laugh or cry. Can someone explain this to me? I really need help understanding how this works. I'm tired all day. I have insomnia at night. ??? This is a very normal symptom for someone with a tumor like this, and I'm very blessed because I don't have insomnia ALL of the time. Usually just around my cycle. But golly. Its awful. Last night I went to bed around 10-11. I fell asleep at 6 am. What the heck. I'm up and running today but I don't know on what, God's grace? That would have to be it. I woke up around ten today, but couldn't drag myself out of bed until around 1 pm. I felt so awful leaving Grady in his crib, but he didn't cry at all! He just played! I'm glad he is young while I am going through this, I would hate for him to understand and worry about his mommy. Also! Through the grace of God (I'm sure relying on it alot lately) we were blessed with the money to purchase a laptop. This will help us keep in contact with all of you and the best part, FLOYD CAN WORK FROM MAYO! Hurrah! We only have 5 vacation days left at Floyd's work, and we hate using them all up now when I haven't even had surgery. So, whatever happens now, we have a laptop so that he can work from where ever we are. Thank God he has a job where they will let him do that. Floyd is so tired. I hate seeing him tired. He used to so look forward to weekends and the relief from his real job. Now he turns around and works all weekend too. Ugh. This too shall pass, and I'm hoping soon! I need to post last night symptoms, but I'm not in the mood to relive any symptoms other then the ones I'm currently experiencing. Maybe missing one day won't be so bad. Maybe I can do it later. I feel so sad right now. UGH. This isn't Tara. Who is this girl?

...but for some reason, weekends seem so much harder to watch Grady then during the week. I think I was so used to having the weekend reprieve that by Saturday I am ready for Floyd to help. Now that he works 70 hours a week, I've got Grady 70+ hours a week. But golly I love that little guy. He's developing such a personality! My headache is so bad today. Like, sick to my stomach bad. I started spotting on the 16th and then my full fledge period started on the 18th. I'm beginning to notice a cycle. My headaches disappeared around the 14th, but now they are back. I was feeling really fat and actually gained a few pounds around the 12th, and now I think I've lost a few pounds. My fingers are freezing right now as I type but I'm not as thirsty today as I usually am. I think this might be a low? Or maybe when I feel worse its because my body is upset with not at much cortisol? Floyd brought home the 24 urine test and saliva test. I'm praying that I'm reading these signs correctly, and that maybe this is a low I am going through. As soon as I feel like crap again I might take the first saliva test. I get to do both tests twice so if I am way off with telling my high's and low's, I can do it the opposite times the next time. Please Lord help me with this, I am at such a loss... -Tara

...and I have an even longer one awaiting me tomorrow. Because of the massive amounts of doctors bills I have from trying to get myself diagnosed, to gall bladder surgery, to having my son 9 weeks early, my husband had to get a 2nd job. Since I am not a reliable person to have working right now, he was the one who pulled the short straw. He works 40 hours as a programmer and then around 25 at the local gas station here in town. I hate seeing him have to do it and miss out on time with our 13 month old. But I can't possibly work, its hard enough on me surviving the day without him and watching Grady. Tomorrow he works his full time job and then goes straight to the gas station to work. I think I am going to spend the day at my mom's since it will be a long day watching Grady. Just too much for me. Some days I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Some days I have tons of fight in me. Today I feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing. That feeling makes me feel so guilty because I have the most wonderful little boy and devoted husband ever. Its not a lack of gratitude that I have these wonderful boys in my life. Its a tiredness that reaches to my very core. I'm so sick of this.What a long day 09/16/2008