This is a post I made on the forum & I thought I should add it to my blog. I know I can be long winded, sorry.
I was reading a thread on here where phil1088 was talking about how she doesn't remember what 'normal' feels like. It really got me thinking.
I always assumed I was normal. Aside from my weight problem I felt fairly normal. I knew I had some problems with anxiety and depression and the littlest things could make me snap and start yelling at my mom, or dad and others as well. But I always assumed that most people had some problems like this and that it was normal to have them. I thought it was just the way I was, not that they could be mental problems. Never did I think that these could be symptoms for a disease that fits me almost to a perfect T.
Now I sit here questioning what 'normal' really is. Is anyone really normal? Doesn't everyone have their fair share of problems weather its one little thing or a few big things? Or are there those fairy-tail perfect people? The people that just go through one down in their life and then are back to normal forever? Is there really such thing as the perfect person? A normal person?
Some days I feel like I'm completely insane, like I think too much, talk too little, yell too much, and cry more than anyone I know. It's like my emotions all hang from this little string and the smallest fuzzy floating through the air can set them off. Some days are worse than others. Some days I just want to sleep all day, or drink all night and occasionally I like to smoke myself into a haze of confusion. Stoned stupid, as they say.
Some days it's better to just lay in bed and dream. In my dreams I can be desirable by guys, I can be loved and seduced.To be taken by a guy rather than having to seduce them. Not that I have to seduce guys often anyway. God knows I've only been with one guy. Sure I've made out with a few but never all the way with more than him. And the bastard still holds my heart. Maybe it's a symptom too. Maybe when I get fixed I'll feel whole again. I don't know.
We started seeing each other September 6th 2007. We met online prior to that through a online video series called LonelyGirl15 staring Jessica Lee Rose whom later played a role in the TV series Greek & stared as one of Lindsey Lohan's friends in "I Know Who Killed Me." I was currently seeing a guy here two weeks or so prior to when we started falling for each other. Normally I'm not the type to waste my time but I thought I might as well give this guy a chance because A. he was here & liked me and B. He might be nice. I couldn't seem to get attracted to him physically or mentally. His personality made things worse, so I ended things and started a long distance relationship with the new guy on the same day.
We continued our relationship, talking on the phone with International calling cards, chatting on MSN with mics & web cams & IMing each other daily.
In early November I was with a friend at another friend's house and a guy there was all over me. I felt bad because I knew I was in love with Jo but I couldn't seem to get him to stop, and being drugged up on inhaling duster did not help. We briefly made out, it was more of him forcing himself on me before I managed to squirm away.
I went home that night, migraine to the extreme, according to my friend it makes your brain bleed. I wasn't a happy camper that she didn't tell me BEFORE I tried it. But none the less, I sat down at the computer and confessed all that had happened to Jo. He was more angry about me huffing something rather than what happened with the guy and made me promise I wouldn't do it again, and I haven't.
At this point I think he began worrying he was going to lose me to another guy & he talked his mom into sending him to visit me, two weeks for his Christmas present. Oh, did I mention he lives in Portugal? Yeah, that is in Europe. (He speaks very good English too.)
He came here December 15th and stayed until the thirtieth. I still remember the amazing feeling of warmth and love I felt the moment he walked through the airport doors and wrapped his arms around me. I've never felt anything so amazing since. Just thinking about it now is making me cry. Anyway... We held hands on the way home from the airport and after sitting in my room for about three minutes he kissed me. HE kissed ME. I didn't have to kiss him first. Sex came later and I did kind of provoke it a bit more than him but what can I say..It was worth it. We were both virgins and it was just pure bliss. The whole two weeks was. God knows how my parents didn't notice. I guess I'm just sneaky. But, I felt comfortable with him. I didn't feel ashamed of my body or awkward. I felt completely at home in my skin. Something I had never felt before and haven't felt since.
December 30th rolled around and I can honestly say that was the worst, most heart wrenching day of my life. I've never felt so crushed, so destroyed, so empty. I cried and cried and cried. And cried some more. I still cry remembering it. And if I had known I'd never see him again I wouldn't have let him get on that god damn plane. He promised me he'd come back. He promised. I guess promises really are meant to be broken.
We continued our long distance relationship, planning on him visiting August 2008 for three months. It never got that far. We started arguing a bit in June about stupid things. Basically he wasn't putting in as much effort as he used to. I felt like I was doing everything and trying to keep us together all alone. It was killing me inside more and more each day. I started going out with my friend and drinking almost every night, that's when the pot came into play more and more too.
Let me tell you, that did not make things better between Jo & I. He didn't want me into that stuff and I couldn't lie to him about it but HE was KILLING me inside. Could he not tell that I was doing it because I was in PAIN? Did he not care? I still don't understand what was going through his head to this day.
July 7th rolled around, the day after our ten month anniversary. And he ended things. I still don't get the full reason, or reasons. I just don't understand. I don't think I ever will. Maybe it's better that way, I don't know.
I feel like maybe, if I was skinny and prettier, and I didn't have mood swings, and I wasn't so paranoid that maybe, just maybe..He would have stayed. He would have continued to love me and came and visited in the summer. He would have carried out his plans to propose to me in the summer and come back February 2009 & marry me, when I turned eighteen. He would then get his green card and stay. Get an apartment with me, and we would live happily ever after.
I want my fairy tale ending.
I want to feel normal.
I want to not HURT everywhere, everyday.
I want to be FREE of this body, these emotions, this LIFE.
God help me.