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MaryO'Blog

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Feeling down and helpless

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I'm feeling so down. My two special friends, Alice and Sue are both are going through some really tough times right now and I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do to help either one and it makes me feel so bad. I like being a person who can cheer others up and it's just not working right now. Both are people I met online, neither lives close to me, so I can't just drop by and give out hugs, help with housework, shopping, whatever.I hate to call and be disruptive in case of much-needed naps, but I feel like I need to do something more than I am. I don't want to be in the way, but...I'm feeling guilty for not being sick myself - how stupid is that? Nothing of substance here, just someone who wishes that there was less pain and more joy in the world.This is all so depressing to me. The good news is that Alice seems to be getting better while Sue maybe isn't :(Feel better soon (((Alice))) and (((Sue))). I'm so worried about both of you.

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Well, I guess they're averaging out. Alice is feeling a bit better - Sue is feeling a lot worse :)

 

I'm so worried for Sue. When I talked to her yesterday she sounded so weak.

 

She's stopped taking her morphine in the hope that she could keep food down - so her pain is returning

 

She doesn't have any steroids so she's not as hungry as she was in the hospital, so she's getting weaker.

 

She's freezing cold all the time and can't get up from the sofa or toilet easily.

 

Her daughter tells her she looks so old because she's so thin from not eating and vomiting.

 

Normally, I'd post all this on the board, but I don't want things to sound like they're impossible, but everything sounds so difficult for her right now. She sounds scared, though. She wants to eat and get stronger but can't.

 

I sure hope that her doctor can give her something tomorrow, something that will help her take her morphine, eat, gain weight, be strong, beat this thing.

 

I'm spending so much time worrying about my friend and I don't feel like I have anywhere but here to talk about this. I try so hard to sound up and cheery for Sue but it's getting harder all the time.

 

I need to go get a tissue...

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Well, Sue is home now and has started with hospice. She's had Last Rites. She's in pain, depressed and scared.

 

I am so afraid of losing my good friend :)

 

Many people on the boards seem to think that she'll be back to read what they've posted in her thread. I sure hope that they're right and I'm wrong.

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Crap!

 

I just went to see my endo again on Thursday to see how things are. Although I know how they are - I'm still tired, gaining a little weight, getting some red spots (petechiae) on my midsection.

 

My endo appointment is over. Turns out that the argenine test that was done 2 years ago was done incorrectly. The directions were written unclearly and the test run incorrectly, not just for me but for everyone who had this test done there for a couple years. My endo discovered this when he was writing up a research paper and went to the lab to check on something.

 

So, I'm off GH again for 2 weeks, then I'm supposed to be retested. The "good news" is that the argenine test is only 90 minutes now instead of 3 hours.

 

He also noted that I have a "little" buffalo hump again.

 

I was just looking through my bio again and noted that I'd said in 1999 after I had my first Insulin Tolerance Test: But the most amazing thing happened. Saturday and Sunday I felt better than I had for 20 years. I had all this energy and I was flying high! So I hadn't felt well in the 20 years before 1999 either?

 

I was so stupid way back in 1987 when I thought that all my troubles would be over when my surgery was over. I have now been sick with this stuff sine at least 1983 - 23 years. Even if I should get my life back, I'm nearly too old to enjoy it.

 

My life is mostly all sleeping. What a bummer!

 

And so I wait for the next test...

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