Well, I made it through another week. My children are healthy, I'm still employed, and my cats love me. I'm afraid, it seems that I live in constant fear. I'm afraid of not paying my bills, I'm afraid of losing my house. I'm afraid I'll die alone. I'm afraid my friends will discover that I'm not worthy and leave me. I'm afraid that my sisters will disown me. About losing the house I know when that started. Last summer, one Sunday morning I was sitting at the computer, online, watching the cat watch Animal Planet, the AC was going. I thought "I have a good life" A decent condo, the AC is working. Then I thought "What if I lose it? Why do I deserve this?" Ever since then I've been waking up sweating thinking those thoughts. I was only able to work 4 days this last week. On Tuesday I was in constant pain from the rectocele. that is what most of my pain is from. On Wednesday I just couldn't go through that again so I stayed home, still in pain but at least I could lay down. The pain and discomfort from the rectocele and my hips and lower abdomen is what bothers me most. Most of the day at work is spent being uncomfortable. When I first stand up I have trouble walking, my upper inner thighs hurts, the bottom of my feet. The hip/upper legs problem was helped a whole lot by having the health and safety woman at work order me a decent chair, but I still have problems. Just sitting all day is uncomfortable. I go out to my car on breaks and lay down. Not very pleasant laying in a hot car in the Georgia heat and humidity. I don't know if this is from cushings, or not. I just know I can't go on like this. So this feeds into my fear of losing my home. If I'm on disability through my work I'll only get 70% of my pay. So I have a roommate moving in this weekend. I don't want another person in my home, but I'm afraid that I'll need the money. 2 weeks 1 day until I go to NIH. My sister is going down so fast I'm afraid that she'll pass away while I'm gone. I have 3 older sisters (no brothers). The next to the oldest is dying from cancer. She asked all of us to get together today for dinner. I know it's to tell us good bye. This scares me. My mother waited until I and the sister 1 year older than me to leave the hospital to die. She didn't want us there when she went. My dad on the other hand, held on until all 4 of us were by his bedside to go. He wanted his girls there. I'm afraid that my sister will tell us good by and go home and try to leave alone. Well, need to get to bed, have to clean the carpet in the spare room and clean out the closet for the roomie tomorrow.
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