Merry Christmas .... I finally sitting for a few minutes its christmas eve here and the family are watching a movie.... a shi -fi movie I watched it with Ken Last night and now he is watching it with the kids and their b/f and g/f .... So I thougt I steal a few minutes to myself... I told Ken Last night what the endo said about getting my affarirs in ordrer... He said that he knew there was something more to it that I had not told him but he was going to give me my space for a few days until I was ready to tell him... I did last night only becasue all the kids were gone and we had a few minutes to ourselves sometimes that is hard around here esp on weekends or holidays.. I try to tell him I trying to stay poostive for the kids and holidays and until we see the neuro surgeron.. He said he knew that but that he thankful for veeryday that we have but he did tell me that I could not give upn that I had to continue to fight .... I told him I was but that I was getting tired and he said he knew that but that I just had to keep trying... I promised I would.. But today has been hard ... trying to face this may be my last chriistmas with my family is kinda of a hard thing to deal with... At differant parts of the day I stand back and watch everyone and how they were interacting with everyone kinda makes you wonder if God lets you watch your family from Heaven ..... I think he does I was thinking my dad was probably up there laughing at us ... My mom just had new carpet and floors put up in her house and her table was still in storage so we all sat on the floor Japaneese style we laugh and said at least everyone has a seat there own dary air Lol .. being 60 pounds up due to the swelling made egetting up off the floor very interesting lol The little ones oh we are having a picnic inside and we said yes that what we are doing ....... They are all so excited because Santa is coming Tonight........ though my sisters said I bought the same toys that santa was bringing I said Sorry I guess we should have talked more when we weree all shopping... my sisters laugh and said that ok just make another wal mart run to exchange those things ..... My oldeswt neice Ashlea She 7 was so excited about her password Journal .... She said I wanted that for christmas but I didn't tell anyone I said I think paw paw in heaven must have knew so that why maw maw got her that ... She said I wish I could have just one more day with my paw paw I said I know baby we all do but we have to wait and seee him in heaven.... till then he will live in our hearts.... It was hard wbeidng at my parenst house for christmas without dad being there seem so stange ..... Then I kinda thought maybe I be with dad next year in heaven though I am still praying and seeking treatment to stay here for my husband AND KIDS ..... i GOING TO HAVE TO REST TOMORROW as I have major over done it today I think I may have go lay down for awhile I hate to do that with everyone here but sometimes you can't always do everything you want too... I think Ken understands that but I not sure about the kids.... I think they may all be going to play pool anyway I think I skip out on that one ...... Are I want be able to get out of bed tomorrow ..... I think I made it a happy Christmas for the kids ... I did tryu very hard to do that.... But my heart is hurting tonight so I think i need some rest and my breathe is getting more labor so I going to have turn the a/c on I guess sounds funny with everyone having snow but here in the south you never know the weather til you wake up....Well it about time for me to be missed by everyone in the family room better sneak back in there before they all charge this room looking for me Kandy